Friday, December 08, 2006

The Devil House


"For a nation - "
photo by aperitive.

There is a house on the hill which children and teenagers have snuck out to on moonlit nights for dozens of years. Every town has such a house. They have varied names; the house on the hill, the haunted house, the house in the woods. The particular house which I describe is called The Devil House. The stories of what happened here to give it such an infamous reputation vary, depending on who is doing the telling. Some say devil worshippers live here, others say murders have taken place deep in the wooded property, and others say that you can see cars protruding from the ground with people trapped inside. I am perhaps in the best position to testify whether the stories are true. I live in this house. I bury the cars. I chase my guests around the property with an ax in my hand. It’s a big production, really, to sustain the reputation of living in a Devil House, like directing a Broadway show. The imported statues of demons are placed on either side of the front steps, the projector aimed at the guestroom wall so that a wraithlike figure glides across in a slow loop. Why do I go to all the trouble? For the love of bringing out in people that feeling of being alive, which is best experienced in the moments before they think their life will be taken from them. Terror is an underrated emotion. I do it to keep the tradition alive, I do it for the art of it, and I do it, every once in a long while, to kill someone.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Electrical Storm


Dangerous Beauty
photo by hugsRgood.

I was thinking of Rachel the other night, and that time we lived Eau Claire, Wisconsin. We were out for a walk when a lightning storm blew into town. Lightning bolts cracked only a few blocks away from us. I wanted to turn back to the house, but she wanted to walk straight into the storm. On her face, I could see excitement and fearlessness. In an open flat field, walking towards an iron train bridge, the rational side of me told her this was nuts. She said not everything is rational. I made her come home. She hated me for it, and I think I fell in her estimation that day. I wonder now what we would have found in the storm. What was it that I was too timid to experience? Something makes me think of how women have this spiritual connection to nature, and how she knew something I did not, and it was beyond explanation. I now wish I had had the courage to follow her down into the field towards the railroad bridge, into a ring of lightning strikes, like Orpheus and Eurydice walking down into the realm of the dead. What would we have found in the middle of the storm? I probably would have just been electrocuted. Maybe that was her intention all along.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Treading Water



I thought I would be able to handle growing old because my memories of childhood would always be there, and every detail could be recalled to take me back to the exact moment. But all of that was a lie; it was a hell of a long time ago, and the details grow fuzzy until they eventually disappear. I wonder if science will find a way to help me replay the exact events, along with the sounds and smells. I have faith that every detail is filed away somewhere deep in my brain, and that those buried events determine how I behave (or misbehave) today. If I could only tap into it. If I could only break free of my ignorance, ignore the distraction of my surroundings so that I could sharpen these sentiments of the past, skipping school, stumbling drunk down suburban streets on my first few cans of beer, hot humid days on the lake, treading water around the raft where my friend’s sister floated, golden, languid, unreachable. What did she say? Did I hold her hand when we climbed out of the water? Or is she still floating out on the raft somewhere in my brain, and I am treading water in endless circles around her?

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Deathbed Lists


I’m reading a book called “Second Innocence”, that helps us regain that sense of wonder and joy that we experienced as a child. One passage describes how, when people get diagnosed with an illness, they think of all the things they wished they had done. If I was sitting in a hospital bed tomorrow and reflecting on the life I wished I had led, what would my answers be to these questions?

What do you regret not doing because of fear?
Having a wife and two kids. I’m afraid of losing my freedom to do what I want. If I had a wife and two kids, my response would have been to stay single, explore writing, and live in a condo in downtown Minneapolis.

What do you wish you had put more time and energy into?
My relationships with friends, family, and significant others.

What do you wish you had put a lot less time and energy into?
Work. I throw all of my energy and focus into work, and I know when I retire or quit, it’s like, “What was it all for?”

What was always on your someday list that you now wish you had done?
Learning to play guitar or piano. Joining a writers group at the Loft. Going camping and fishing. Buying a boat and a motorcycle. Own a small tea shop.

As you think about your daily experience of life, what qualities do you wish there were more of and what qualities do you wish there were less of (more time for self, more community, more kindness. . .)?
More quiet time, more calm, more laughter, more energy, more reading. Less chores, less worrying, less self-criticism, less tv.

What is your deepest regret in terms of the type of person you never became (a kind person, a generous person, a courageous person…)?
A self-confident person, a self-disciplined person, a more honest person (in terms of I say and do what people want from me, rather than what I really feel).

If I had more time or energy, I would love to learn to . . .
play guitar or piano, other languages, cooking and baking, lucid dreaming, meditation.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A Thousand Monkeys

He lives alone, in a familiar filth that he wraps around himself like an old blanket for comfort. He dodges sleep throughout the night, until the brain breaks free of its moorings. The room fills with strangers, after-bar deviants, Bukowski bred and mulled in cheap red wine. The sloppy kiss of a butcher girl, the sullen slut, the prostitute drunk on bourbon, stumbling through Jackson Square, skipping on stars, throwing bottle caps at the boys tap dancing in their sneakers for money across the broken cobblestones of the river walk. The late night started to take its toll and he yawned until nearly passing out, and slipped into a ditch of dreamless sleep. He woke up in a cold library at three am, books jeering from their shelves. Seated at the long oak tables of the reference section, a thousand monkeys crouched over typewriters, tapping at the keys. The floor was littered with tomorrow’s books. The room stank. He picked up a few of the pages, scraped away the monkey shit, and began reading. It went something like this . . .

Saturday, November 04, 2006

The Only Thing that is Real

Fishy Corona
Fishy Corona,
Photo by olivander.
The act of writing is the beginning; it does not matter if the writing is good. You first write from the heart, and then edit with the brain. You write without rereading, you write without thinking of the fantasy of your team of editors, your publicist, the public readings, the interviews attempting to pierce the veil of your brilliance. Forget the invitations to read at colleges and the likelihood that these very words will be the ones to seduce some young college thing into bed with you. None of that matters, none of that is real. The only thing that is real is this moment, this sublime isolation in which you can uncover emotions you didn’t know you had, recreate a sensation from the past with just the right words, then twist the truth into a shape perhaps more real than the one you had to begin with.

Friday, November 03, 2006

World Stage


Dylan
photo by mr_la_rue.
I have visions of my neighbors busting down the door and bashing my head in with baseball bats because I laugh too loudly while watching documentaries with the headphones on. The last one was “No Direction Home”, about Bob Dylan. Was it supposed to be funny? I hope so. Afterwards I go into the den and strum my guitar and do my best impression of a folk singer. What wonderful concerts I performed to an audience of books and lamps.

Why does Bob Dylan get press conferences about his opinions when he is only in the public forum because he knows how to strum a guitar, and some would day, sing? Why not invite the anonymous history major to share his message to mobilize a generation? But I cannot deny that Bob’s lyrics of the past flashed like lightning and blinded me. I almost prefer to hear someone else cover his songs, like an old gospel singer, because Bob sounds like he is parodying himself. I cannot hear the lyrics because Bob is in the way.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Come Forward


powerball
photo by rwhite..
She left without so much as a word. He tore apart the kitchen looking for a note—isn’t that where women always left their notes in the movies—and then went to the bedroom to collapse in exhaustion and found the note, resting on his pillow. All that the note said was “I’m leaving you.” No shit, he thought. But why? Sure, in no way could someone say this was marital bliss, but we had our good times, didn’t we? You liked when I made fun of actors during movies, or at least you laughed. Some of the time. I know you hated how my spoon scraped the cereal bowl, and how I couldn’t stay on a television channel for more than five minutes, and how I had to buy a Powerball ticket every weekend. You always thought that was my ticket for escape. It was, baby, but not from you. It was our ticket out of this neighborhood with its crack house and thumper cars. It was our ticket out of our jobs, so I could go into the Garage and tell the foreman to go fuck himself, and so you could tell the school that you were done dishing food onto the plates of all those thankless delinquents.

That’s when he realized: the last Powerball ticket was not on the nightstand, where he usually kept them.

Later that evening he heard on the news that the winning ticket had been sold from his home town, from the convenience store that he always bought his ticket from, but the winner had not yet come forward.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Sand


Dunes
photo by gakout.
What are they talking about? Why do they crowd around my bed on a Saturday morning, prodding me for answers? I don’t know what I did last night, I don’t know where I was or who I was with. So just go away. Come back another day. Maybe then I’ll have something to say. But they don’t leave. They make a pot of coffee on the stove and hover overhead, while the room spins, while the dusty air slowly fills my lungs, exits my lungs, fills my lungs. My chest brings me to life like a bellows and I start to remember.

A bonfire, with faces I didn’t recognize. Where were we? On the beach, that’s right, and passing around bottles of rum and vodka. I remember running out into the surf alone. Or was I with someone? I was with someone, a girl. She had long brown hair nearly black in the moonlight. I remember the cold of the water and the saltiness. We kissed, and her lips tasted of salt. I lost her somewhere on the beach. Or was it in the dunes? I remember sand, lots of dry sand. It got into everything. I remember trying to shake it off me, trying to get it out of my pockets my hair my eyes and nearly weeping because I could not get out of the sand.

I am not certain how I got home, or who these people are, or where the girl with the dark hair in the moonlight went, but I’m sure they’re going to tell me. Let me take a shower first. Sand is in my hair. Sand is under my fingernails. Sand is in the crusty corners of my eyes, and in every fold of the bed sheets.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Please Vacate the Theatre


red seats
photo by nepenthes.
Sitting in an empty theatre, he watches advertisements flash across the screen. Rita the Condo Queen Real Estate Agent; A watch/clock repair shop around the corner called The Fixery; Advertisements to rent out the theatre for corporate or private events. As he waits for the featured film he imagines himself projected up there on the screen, larger than life, his voice bellowing out of the THX speakers so that he fills the theatre.

A woman walks in. He slinks down further into his chair. She pauses at his isle, looks at him out of the corner of her eyes, then continues on to the front row, where she moves across to the middle seat and sits down. She’s blonde, her straight thin hair nearly platinum. She’s heroin-addict skinny, but her skin flawless. She wears dark maroon lipstick that makes her lips look too thin. She’s not smiling, and something about her face makes him think that it is probably painful or strenuous for her to smile. She wears a shirt with Abraham Lincoln printed on the front. On the back, his assassin.

He gets up from his chair and moves to the seat directly behind her. He does not try silence his change in seating; in fact, he pulls down each spring loaded chair as he passes down the isle like a boy running a stick along a picket fence, but she ignores him. She cranes her neck to the screen, where the movie has finally begun. Black and white film of flowers in a cemetery, time lapse, wilting. Two children, a boy and a girl, wear their Sunday best. He’s wearing a little clip on tie, and she has a sun hat. They cup their hands beneath a spigot to gather water, then carefully walk to the flowers and dump the water on its petals. Back and forth, back and forth until the children are near exhaustion but the flowers continue to whither until they finally die.

He sits so close to her that he can smell her hair, see the fine wisps on the back of her neck. He sees a childhood scar on the nape of her neck, while his fingers draw to the razor-thin ridge at the back of his own neck. Grandmother’s emerald ring; did she really twist it around on her finger intentionally? Her signature disciplinary move was to clutch the back of the necks of the two children, forcing them in whatever direction she willed them.

He leans across the seat in front of him and turns to see her face in perfect profile. Her nose has lost the little button shape of the girl and grown sharper as a woman, but the eyes are the same. He keeps watching her eyes and sees in their reflection the big screen. Over the speakers he hears the sandpaper voice of his grandmother, cursing a boy and girl. “Get in the tub, you filthy little grubs. Dirty, filthy things, you stand there. Turn on the water. No, did I tell you to turn on the hot water? Only cold water for you. You think I would use up my hot water on you two? Dirty filthy things.” A course rag, rubbing until raw, unrelenting as the sensitive skin of the children grows red, but her voice falling to silence, only the harsh choked breathing of effort, one hand clutched on a thin wrist to hold them still, the other scraping the cloth across their skin. Dirty filthy things, they stand there in the cold water and watch the other shivering, naked, dirty things. Grandmother hands grows cramped from the strain. She sits on the toilet yet still doesn’t let the children out of the tub. The two of them crouch on either end of the clawfooted cast-iron tub, facing each other, freezing water, arms wrapped around their knees, huddled.

He shakes his head free of the grating voice of his grandmother and gathers the courage to look directly at the screen, but he doesn’t want to look. He shakes his head free of her. In the reflection of the woman’s eyes he sees the screen fall dark, and she turns to look directly at him, and he wonders if she really sees a dirty, filthy thing? Did they every really outgrow those raw naked bodies? They tried to water the flowers, they worked themselves to exhaustion to keep them alive, but they still died in the end. They still felt guilty for letting the flowers die. The girl was always the stronger one, the defiant one, and now the woman held out her hand and he took it, and together they walked out of the theatre.

Monday, October 09, 2006

First Date Conversations


New 10
photo by ojaipatrick.
“So do you collect anything?”

“Yeah, I collect money.”

“Oh, you mean like foreign currency and things like that?”

“No, I mean actual money. I like to horde it, to withdraw an entire savings account in twenty dollar bills, throw them on the bed, and roll around in it, then deposit it all again the next day.”

“Well what kind of fun is collecting money, over, say, collecting tea pots or baseball cards or—“

“I figure if you collect enough money, you can buy any other guys collection that you want.”

Monday, October 02, 2006

Gene Mutation

Something makes me chuckle about the last email I got from my mom. The subject line read “Gene Mutation”. The email read:

The gene mutation that I have and for which you should be tested is:
Factor 5 Leiden.

Love,
Mom

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Holy Bondage

"What are you doing?" she asked from the living room, amid the clutter of junkmail and newspapers and dishes.

"I'm acting out this age old western ritual called Making the Bed. You should try it sometime."

She gave him the finger and collapsed on the couch. "My back hurts. You expect me to do all this work when I'm in pain?"

He was beginning to know what pain was all about. It was about knowing you were trapped, that this was all there was to life. He wanted something different.

"How about we get flannel sheets, honey?" he asked. Any small change would do.

"I don't want flannel sheets. I'll get too hot."

He tensed up inside by how easily she dismissed him. After he got the bed made his wife decided she needed him to massage her back, so she sprawled her considerable mass across the newly made bed, pulled off her shirt, and handed him the massage oil. He remembered buying the oil on Valentines Day in hopes to spice up the marriage. Now he wanted to spread it all over the kitchen floor in hopes that she would slip and crack open her head.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Animal Crackers


I ate a bag of animal crackers today. Half the time I couldn’t figure out what animal it was. Sometimes I could blame it on limbs being broken off, but most of the time it just looked like some amorphous shape, like the batter had oozed beyond its outlines. Where did the giraffe go, and the bear? Who turned the playful monkey into a disfigured hunchback? And if I’m unsettled by this, what effect does it have on kids? These crackers are why are kids are so confused these days. I’ll bet the steady decline in national IQ scores is directly related to the degradation of the animal cookie. Who is going to do something about this? Or a better question might be: why is a 37 year old guy eating animal crackers?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Blood on a White Tuxedo

His typewriter had been broken for years and rusting on the desk, but he had not admitted to anyone, not even himself, that he didn’t miss it. He gave up hope on leading a decent life, and resigned himself to the fact that he was bound for life in a trailer park, a sink full of dishes, an unmade bed with crumpled stained sheets, a mutt tied to the bumper of his car barking at a pack of kids that tormented it all day. He bit down on his cheek, tasted blood. Wouldn’t he miss the trance of writing stream-of-consciousness at 3:00 am of vampires perched in trees, of fangs that punctured the night in a glint of ivory razor stainless steel? Beneath the moon he danced with spectral girls in virginal dresses, mud splashed on the pant leg of his white tux, blood splashed on the lapel like a lurid carnation. He laughed at the utter lack of stars on this clear night. Only a great void hung above him with its rogue moon. He danced a waltz to the music of undead orchestral players in the pit and laughed because madness brought with it courage. It was all over now. He’d go wherever life led him. Why waste another hour of his life trying to make sense of things? There was plenty of distraction on the television, and dishes to wash, and would somebody shut up that god damn dog!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Blood Drive

I gave blood last week. Things didn’t go as smoothly as usual. As I filled out the questions on a clipboard like “Were you in Botswana any time between 1977 and 1986?” a woman lay on a cot beside me with a dampened napkin on her forehead. She must have fainted just before I got there. She laughed embarrassedly as all people do after they faint. Why? It’s not like their fly was open, but it must be a sign of weakness to faint when giving blood, and a sign of strength to see how quickly you can fill up the pint bag, then leap off the cot and head to your next meeting sporting your chartreuse arm band like a medal of honor.

Then I had to go behind a curtain with an interviewer and answer those embarrassing questions like “Have you ever paid to have sex, or had sex with someone who has been paid to have sex.” I don’t get into the debate with him on whether buying your date dinner at a trendy restaurant with tiny portions constitutes “paying for sex”, so I just say “no”. He asks if I’m on any medications. I should carry a laminated card of all my meds. I am held together by a complex cocktail of pharmaceuticals; at any given time I am likely under the influence of no fewer than four medications. Pfizer invites me to their Christmas party each year. Then he asks me to spell them, and what they are each for. Isn’t he the one in the white coat? I don’t remember half the time. Pill #1 is to offset the side effects of pill #2, and pill #3 is so that I can cope with the emotional trauma of what he is about to do to my little finger.

That’s right, what I fear most when giving blood is not the needle in the arm, but the pinprick on my finger for the blood test. He asks if there is a particular finger I’d like to sacrifice, which always reminds me of Sophie’s Choice. This little piggy suddenly is the focus of every nerve ending in my entire body. The spring loaded needle shoots into me, and there’s a split second of excruciating pain. Hallelulha, that’s over, but then the guy starts squeezing the finger like he’s milking a cow, and he starts jabbing the open wound with that tiny little plastic straw. This has got to be against the Geneva conventions.

I am escorted to a cot and handed over to a bloodletter. He’s a trainee. A woman with the air of authority watches from a chair ten feet away, offering up little hints as to what he is doing wrong. He has trouble finding a vein. Ex-girlfriends doubt I even have any, but with enough slapping around and squeezing and rubbing, they find what they’re looking for. The bloodletters, not the ex-girlfriends. They discuss which vein should be used and the angle at which the needle should go in. At the last moment the observer decides to get a second opinion. Another lady comes over and says, “Oh no, you don’t want to go in there because that’s a valve. Feel that? It would have been quite painful.”

They decide on a vein, and I feel the needle go in. I can tell something is wrong because they don’t say or do anything, until I feel a second stabbing sensation. “Your veins are running away,” she says. They get it after the third try, and the trainee attaches the tube and the bag, all of which I know is going on only out of my periphery. I make a point of never looking at the tube, the bag, the needle, any of it. I look off to the walls, or the people moving about, or listen in on the banter between the different volunteers.

He praises the rate at which I fill the bag, as though I had something to do with it, and before long I’m done. As he fills out paperwork he sets the bag on my outstretched legs. The blood is still warm. My eyes are glued to the wall, and I manage not to faint.

The next day, I see three puncture wounds in the crook of my elbow like I have been bitten by a three-fanged snake. Over the next few days the bruise spreads to the size of a baseball and changes from blue, to purple, to yellow.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Uneaten Biscotti

Why the hell did I break up with Francesca? It was a mistake, I know that now. What was I thinking?

I take another sip of black, bitter coffee and ignore the biscotti sitting on a plate. I'm sitting in the middle of the coffee shop, not my usual spot. Our usual spot. Francesca and I would always sit on the sofa over by the window, sipping coffee and sharing biscotti and telling funny stories about each other's families, or books or movies or stupid little things that people in love talk about.

She never comes to the coffee shop anymore. She's on a track that will never cross mine again. It's enraging to think that she's out there right now, somewhere without me, so instead I'm staring at the sofa by the window and trying to backtrack. There had to be a single turning point from growing closer to growing apart. A comment made, noticing an annoying habit in the other, something that showed the first signs of dissatisfaction. I keep thinking I can find that moment and change it.

I sound like someone who was broken up with, but no...I did the breaking. That's what makes it worse. Maybe it would have been acceptable if something really fucked up had happened, like she had slept with my brother or I had stolen a thousand dollars from her savings account, but the truth of the matter was that I got bored. I started to wonder what life would be like single again.

Is this my answer? Miserably drinking cold coffee and ghosting the places we used to spend time together, trying to relive those mornings when I believed myself to be so miserable?

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Morrison's New Language?


I return to the screen to scream, to the keyboard to scrawl my name in chalk, praying the rain doesn’t come too soon to erase it. I listen to Jim Morrison’s “An American Prayer”, words flowing in and out, streaming like video on the net, images in sudden fits and starts, pixelized and unclear. I need to offer a sacrifice to get a faster connection. How would Morrison have liked the Net? He’d have loved it, a new media in which to rule, to mold into a shape of his will. I wonder at times if he has somehow transformed his soul into code, streams through the network of wires, across the phone lines of the country, dipping into this chip and that circuit, carrying stock quotes to business men and news of births to grandparents and postings of dream interpretations to newsgroups. He has become the primal electronic scream of modems crying out to each other from livingrooms and dens across America. Is this the new language he envisioned, this cybernetic screech? Can music be made of this? Can poetry? Like the priest on the pulpit, Morrison intones:
“…Soft driven, slow and mad
Like some new language,
Reaching your hand with the cold,
sudden fury of a divine messenger.”

Monday, August 28, 2006

Pronoun

I belong to one of the major form classes in any of a great many languages. I am a substitute for a noun or noun equivalent, take noun constructions, and am declined. I refer to persons or things named, asked for, or understood in context. I have little or no fixed meaning except one of relation or limitation. I take many forms: emphatic, identifying, intensive, personal, reciprocal, refexive, and relative.

I am, in fact, not a noun, but its substitute.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Fishing for Mermaids


Blue
photo by John Carleton.
A strong distaste in his nostrils and back of his throat, like something rotting. A sinus infection, perhaps, or a general distaste of the smell of things. He wandered around the rooms of his lake home. On the dock he could see his little girl fishing, her legs dangling over the side, the bobber floating on the still water. She would fish from sunrise to noon with a patience that escaped him. What you fishing for, he’d ask, and she would respond “For mermaids, Daddy. Now go away, you’re scaring them.” Odd girl from the loins of an odd mother.

He went to the living room, pulled a Kleenex out of the box and tried blowing his nose again. Noting came out. He felt dried up and like his nasal passages was a closed up house with milk rotting on the kitchen counter.

He grabbed his car keys of the table and headed out.

He drove fifteen minutes to Mainstreet and pulled up outside the 8th Street Grill. It wasn’t on 8th street any more; it had moved from 8th to Main about six years back, but the owner didn’t want to pay for new printing on the paper napkins. Inside, the noise of families and friends talking, the clink of dishes, the cash register printing out checks, the hiss of food from the kitchen. He grabbed a seat at the counter. The waitress, Doreen, had high arching eyebrows like the McDonalds golden arches. Can those be real, he wondered? They didn’t look drawn on. She took a pad of paper and held it, ready for his order. What did he want? What did he really want? He didn’t know but he couldn’t make her stand there forever so he asked for a blueberry muffin and a cup of coffee.

He’d forgotten about his daughter; she was still on the dock, and unsupervised. So what if she wore a Snoopy life vest, that wouldn’t save her from a kidnapper or a bear. He almost got out of his seat to drive back, but then realized it wouldn’t matter if he drove back. She wouldn’t be there anymore. She’d have been taken in by the mermaids of the lake by now, and she would be submerged in the deep pools while the mermaids decorated her with clam shells and long draping garlands of seaweed.

“So where’s the wife today?” the cook asked from over the counter, smirking to the dishwasher clearing trays.

Probably fucking that shoe salesman out at the mall. “I don’t know Sam, do I look like I gotta track her comings and goings all day?”

“Just a question,” Sam replied, wiping his hands on his apron and snatching another order from the carrosel. He ducked back into the kitchen and Doreen slid a cup of coffee on a saucer front of him. “You hafta pick out your own muffin at the counter.”

“What the hell for?”

“Because that’s the policy, and I am not one to go against policy; now it’s just a few feet away. You can handle that, now can’t you Clark?”

For fuck sake, why does everybody have to tell me what to do? But he walked over and spent considerable time examining the muffins to find just the right one. By the time he made it back to his seat, his coffee was cold. Have to put more sugar in it now. He shoveled sugar into his coffee, then dropped the spoon with a clatter onto the saucer. He took a grim satisfaction of how Doreen jumped at the sound.

He could have his own affair, he figured. Maybe that elementary school teacher of his daughter’s, or maybe the girl that worked the counter down at the feed mill. She was probably too young for him, but leaving his wife for someone far younger than her would be all the better.

What the hell do I care if she’s screwing around with someone, he wondered? It’s only because of what people might think, is all. When you get right down to, does it matter to me if she’s found someone else? If she was to keep seeing that guy and nobody would find out, I don’t think I’d give a rip. But I want something too. If she gets to have someone on the side, some taste of satisfaction, then I deserve that too, don’t I? It just doesn’t have to be an affair. The last thing I need right now is another woman, so what’s it going to be?

Yeah, what’s it going to be, he asked himself, taking a sip of cold coffee that was bitter and sweet and at the same time, then a bite of one perfect blueberry muffin. Have to tell Sam he really knows how to bake them. Maybe later, he decided, still sore about the insinuation about his wife.

A boat? Yeah, a boat. He’d wanted one ever since they bought the lake home but his wife had always said no. He could escape out on the water from sunrise to noon. What you fishing for, Clark? Mermaids. Quiet down now. You’re scaring them away.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Write Good

No, not like that. Harder, with more substance. Make me taste it and feel it. Good grammar doesn’t matter; you always do what your grammarian tells you? Don’t talk about concepts like love and hate, talk about the friction between our bodies. Don’t tell me about old lovers, tell me about now, this very moment, the most important moment. Stay away from adjectives. I am a noun. Use only nouns.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Bright Shiny Objects

I knew I’d only be seeing her for a couple of days, then she would be whisked back to the west coast, and then even further away across the ocean, so I knew this was mainly a fun weekend, a handful of hours when the woman I knew from the internet would be incarnated in the flesh. Getting too attached, and then hurt from going our separate ways, isn’t really a possibility for me. I have chronic anesthesia, I am desensitized from any prolonged sense of feeling. Especially once someone is no longer in my proximity, I tend to forget and get distracted by the shiny objects around me. I am essentially a simple creature.

I was surprised at myself when driving back from Milwaukee yesterday to still be thinking about her. The way she laughs and her easy smile, her unfailing confidence with a map even as we get more and more lost deep in the urban woods of Milwaukee, the way we picked out the same glass of wine with dinner. The bow shape of her upper lip when she pouts, or is she thinking? What is she thinking, with that Mensa mind of hers, or it is the writer, wondering how best to use me? Is it the Christian that wants to save me, or the dominatrix that wants to consume me? But what bows her upper lip doesn’t concern me, if I really want the anesthesia to wear off. When we wrote poems at the dinner table on scraps of paper, all of the words I contributed were suspiciously externalized. All nouns. All about the bright shiny objects around me.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Bed and Breakfast

He sits alone in his room at a B&B, one of those restored Victorian homes in a rundown Milwaukee neighborhood, wondering what she’s going to be like. He’d read her blog for months, seen dozens of pictures her, her daughter, her friends. But what’s it really going to be like to see her for the first time the next morning, hug her like seeing an old friend he’d never met.

Outside the window, the base beat of music plays from the rundown apartment across the driveway. He turns up the air conditioner so the drone will drown out the noises from outside. Her turns up the Spanish music playing on the clock radio, a very small sound from across the room. He types in her web address, opens her blog, reads over all of her old entries like tracing the different patterns of moles across her body or the lines of her palm, trying to memorize her.

And what has happened to his Pharmacist? Their relationship had been downgraded to “friends”, and he wondered if you can really be friends after having dated, even if it worked out for Seinfeld and Elaine. He wondered if friends can still make out from time to time. He wondered if she was reading his thoughts across a computer screen in another city three hundred miles away, and if she was hurt knowing with what anticipation he waited for morning.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Let the Rain In

I let the rain come in, just for the hell of it. Lightning, thunder, rain trashed the room like a rockstar, and now all of my magazines on the coffee table are warped with water. I sit back in a damp recliner and feel pleased. Bring it all in. I don’t want to be shut up in here anymore but I can’t bring myself to pass the threshold of the door, so instead let’s let the world in. Wasn’t that once the tagline for the worldwide web? It applies to thunderstorms too.

I read different blogs and admire how some people feel so deeply that the torment is squeezed from them like a lemon. I’ve dried out. Maybe it was because I shut myself up in here for so long I can’t remember quite what it’s like to care for someone again. I don’t remember what it feels like, that torn up run-and-hide kind of passion and love that makes you miserable. So instead I sit contentedly in my apartment, trying to let the storms in.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Killer Koi


It was an early morning in 1973 when my father lost his leg to a killer koi. He was wading the koi ponds of Mr. Ellison’s estate, famed breeder of championship koi, harbringer of designer breeding in that ancient though clandestine field of koi-anetics. My father was the head koi-handler, scattering specially formulated fish pellets into the water, wading among the water lilies when the following events unfolded.

The groundskeepers were setting the sprinklers and trimming the hedges that early fateful morning. According to witness testimony, the estate was alive with birdsong, a light breeze stirred the magnolias, when suddenly an eerie stillness settled over the grounds. One groundskeeper recalled looking up from his work to see my father wading obliviously through the sparkling pools, then look over his left shoulder in the moment before the attack.

The first strike was a single violent pull on his heal, bringing my father bolt upright, like the first tug on a fishing bobber. Then, a single moment of shock and disbelief, followed by a violent thrashing that lifted him off his feet and submerged him in the shallow pool.

The groundscrew cried out, dropping hedgeclippers and pruners to come running to the waters edge. In the roiling water the head groundskeeper recalls seeing the flash of gold, white and black of the killer koi, and the flailing arms of my father. The koi had spun in a twisting motion, like an alligator roll, twisting off my father’s leg at the knee. By reaching out across the water with the handle of a rake, the groundscrew were able to pull my father out of the bloodied water to the safety of shore.

Panic ensued. Ambulence sirens. Crime photographers. A special committee from the American Koi Society (AKS). Although I was only a child, I remember staying at my father’s side throughout the night in the hospital. Perhaps it was because my father knew those fish better than his own childen that he had foreseen one of them rising up to claim his leg someday. From his hospital bed, through the haze of painkillers and delirium I heard him cry out, “Diablo Wasabi! Diablo Wasabi!”

How could I forget the koi of which he spoke? He always paddled at the waters surface with his head and eyes peeking above the water line, watching me, unblinking, the school of fish giving him a wide burth. Have you ever seen the eyes of a koi? Black, lifeless eyes. A doll’s eyes.

Mr. Ellison posted a $10,000 reward to capture the killer koi. A mob converged on the ponds of the estate. Half of the school was obliterated, captured in nets, stunned by underwater explosives, snagged by children with Snoopy fishing poles, and yet Diablo Wasabi eluded them all. Among the crowds of fishermen, ichthyologists, and media hobbled my father, a crutch in one hand and a gaff in the other.

The crowds parted, forming a corrider towards pond. As my father went into the water, the head groundskeeper clutched me to his chest so I would not witness the fight, but I heard the slow even wading of my father suddenly broken with fierce splashing, gasps from the crowd, and then a wet thud on the ground. I turned to see Diablo Wasabi flopping on shore, the sun glinting off the wet scales of gold and black. How small he seemed on the grass, yanked from his element, gills laboring in the open air. My father sat on the grass ten yards away, the bloodied gaff still clutched in one hand while rubbing the stump of his leg with the other. We all watched the killer koi take his last breaths and felt the same dissatisfaction my father must have felt, the futility of one more dead fish, the emptiness of revenge.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Solitarian

Why is it that the stories I like writing most are of tormented, solitary souls holed up in a slummy apartment, working at some inconsequential though personally critical task? Why do they all struggle with obsessive thoughts and delusions? Why is it that I like characters who inhabit the same space but don’t know how to communicate with each other? The closest they ever come are monologs recited for the other’s benefit. My version of plot development is when the guy moves from a rocking chair to the front step. Maybe he gets up one morning and stands baffled on the edge of a river, a hand to his forehead, trying to remember if it was flowing the other direction yesterday.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

In Search of Distraction


I go through phases where I want to lose myself in something. Love or books or writing or a video game. I don’t know who to love, but I’m loving the book Kite Runner. I’m starting to get into writing again, and the experience of writing at dusk while listening to creepy atmospheric soundtracks. The video games that tempt me are Everquest, WarCraft, Silent Hill, or Might and Magic. I lean towards Might and Magic because I can play it alone. I’m so shy that even playing a multi-person role playing game, especially one with Massive in the acronym like MMORPG, makes be afraid. Should I really start up any of these games, though? I am the personality type that will become obsessed, that will forget about work and relationships so that I won’t be distracted from the game, and every minute of gameplay will be tainted with guilt because I know the truth of it: I am wasting my time.

Ah screw it, where's the CD.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Lady of the Lake



The Pharmacist was watering the plants on her balcony when she looked down and had this odd flash in her head, a disturbing image of a woman trapped under water. Was she dead? Was it a premonition of a woman drowning?

She looked closer; through the balcony slats she saw it was just a new table purchased by the skinny man with the pot belly that lived below her, a tacky table to go with his Target canvas foldout camping chair. The glass top was covered with overspray from watering her plants. But the image stayed with her throughout the day, especially the water beaded on the glass. Much to the chagrin of her neighbor, she continued to over-water her plants, hoping one day to figure out why this image stuck with her, this discount store Lady of the Lake.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

What I Wish I Was Doing

I know her name now. The sultry tall woman at the coffee gallery who reminds me of Katie Homes in “Wonder Boys” is named Lindsay. Nice to meet you Lindsay, I’m Brett. It’s pretty dead here on a Saturday, huh? Yeah, she says, and really boring. We exchange Nice-to-Meet-You’s and I walk just as casually as can be to my table without sprawling into any chairs.

It is dull here. I watch traffic pass by the plate glass windows. It’s like I’m sitting on the curb, but protected from the noise and heat and exhaust fumes. Instead I hear classical music from speakers behind the counter. I hear keys tapping under my fingers, the scrape of wooden chairs across wide cedar plank floors, the clank of the cash register sliding open. Coins jingle in Lindsay’s palm and then drop into plastic trays, the coins I tipped her moments ago when I should have tipped paper bills. Too late to run back now.

Lindsay must be wondering why I am hanging around this boring place when I could be anywhere. If I could be anywhere or with anyone, where would I want to be? Sitting out on the banks of the Mississippi watching my dog swim. At home watching World Cup Soccer. Reading books all day on a park bench. What I’d really like to be doing is hanging out in the back yard of a friend’s house while he’s standing over a smoking grill. I’ve got a beer in my hand, and I’m doing some sort of trick to make his kids laugh. I’m talking to his wife about my latest dating follies, and she’s telling me about cute friends of hers that she’d like me to meet but I politely decline. Maybe he’s grilling salmon steaks and asparagus, and there’s fruit tart for desert that I bought at the Café Latte in Saint Paul. We play Spanish music from a CD I bought at a concert at the Cedar Cultural Center the week before, where I’d taken a woman out on a date. We danced at the back of the crowd, lost ourselves in the music and the buzz from the Corona’s, then went back to my place and lay on cool white sheets lit only by the city lights filtering in from the window. I’m thinking of this now while my buddy is talking about the Twins ore something I don’t really care about as he turns the salmon steaks. After we eat we light a fire in the fire-pit and show his kids how to roast marshmallows just right, toasty brown and melty. I go home around ten and find my dog jumping on the front door, excited for his nightly walk.

Friday, June 30, 2006

A Monster's Viewpoint


I just finished reading John Gardner’s “Grendel”, a story from the point of view of the monster in Beowulf. I like this passage:

“Blood lust and rage are my character. Why does the lion not wisely settle down and be a horse? In any case, I too am learning, ordeal by ordeal, my indignity. It’s all I have, my only weapon for smashing through these stiff coffin-walls of the world. So I dance in the moonlight, make foul jokes, or labor to shake the foundations of night with my heaped-up howls of rage. Something is bound to come of all this. I cannot believe such monstrous energy of grief can lead to nothing!”

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Fireworks for the Weary

Did I say something about life lacking color? God must have heard me, because She piled on the luster last evening to bang me over the head with the brilliance of life, if I just care to see it. While I was uploading a rant about my aversion to real life, I hear these explosions going off, so I look out the window. A storm blows across the west, the setting sun coloring the thunderheads every shade from midnight blue to red. Down on the plaza an old jazz woman sings on stage, the audience huddled beneath umbrellas, a field of mushrooms glistening red, blue, black. Over in Loring Park an art fair kicks off its first night with a fireworks display. From my high-rise the fireworks explode at eye level. So with the thunderstorm sunset, jazz music bouncing off the buildings, and bursts of fireworks lighting up the sky, I had to say “you’re right. I get it. Just open your eyes.” As long as there will always be a fireworks display ready for every time I feel disillusioned about life, I’ll be fine.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Thrice Removed

What is with my aversion to writing about real life? Or bring down to the personal level, my own life? I’m bored with it. Or is it that I don’t want to look at it too closely? What sort of things can I be avoiding looking at? That I’m thirty-six and alone, that I have not found that woman I’m destined to be with. That I wonder if love is a fiction, at least for me. I don’t want to hear you self-help readers say, “You’re just afraid you’re not lovable.” I’m more afraid that I just won’t find her out there, or that I’m incapable of loving someone. I’m great at being enraptured, lustful, entranced from afar, but let me in too close and I’ll start to see the cracks in the teacup.

Okay, enough on love. How about children? I ache when I think that I might never have children. I think kids are the most miraculous beings on the planet. I immediately smile when I see a child walking towards me, holding a grandparent’s hand, or riding on a dad’s shoulder, or even sleeping in a stroller. They pick me out of the crowd too, and smile back. It’s like they know I’m connected to them in some way. Or is it just that they can’t repress a giggle from seeing a 6’2” kid smiling back at them??

What else? Writing. God, writing. Don’t make me look at this debacle. Writing was to be the thing I live for, the life’s work that provides meaning, a purpose-maker, navigator, reprisal for all of those empty spaces mentioned above. But my love and joy of writing has dissolved, left home, abandoned me. It’s like you work for something (albeit half-assed) all of your life and then detour off course and realize while you’re lying in bed at night that you’re not going to get it back. Sometime a number of years ago I strayed. And where am I now? Working at a utility company as a SQL coder. A data gopher. I don’t want to look at this too closely, and maybe that’s why I have such distaste in my mouth when I sit down to write, especially about any thing real. It’s something like running into an ex-lover on the street and having to hug them and say how wonderful they look. It’s like kissing somebody you really don’t want to kiss but feel obliged to. Like getting laid off and seeing the smug face of your old coworkers when run into them at the grocery store.

See how I shelter myself with metaphor. A thing like a thing like a thing leaves me three steps removed from the truth, and I can finally digest it. I’m waiting for July 1st, when I can leave this truth and reality crap behind and go back to my delusions.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Hail and Expired Eggs


Egg
photo by switch1.
I was getting ready to head out to the grocery store when the sky opened up and a righteous storm blew into the city. Water streamed so thickly down the windows that I felt like I was in a car that had just dropped off a bridge into the river. Wind hit the glass so hard you could see the reflections bulge, hear the glass crack as it expands and shrinks. Then hail started to fall and I pressed my face up against the glass despite my better sense of judgment so I could see the spectacle of a million pea-sized ice balls dumped from the sky and drop 25 floors into space. First they whisked north in the wind, then they reversed and whisked south. Everything around me roared with the vibration of hail. Ice drifted on the roof of the church and looked like snow. Clumps of ice coagulated in the gutters and swirled around sewer gratings. I heard on the radio that manhole covers had been lifted off their moorings by the pressure of the runoff in the sewers.

It's over now. It's 10:30 at night. I’m usually sleeping by now but I’m baking brownies for when my family visits tomorrow. I couldn’t think of anything to cook and I can’t grill out since I don’t have a balcony and I feel so damn feeble that I have to buy roasted chickens at the grocery store. I must seem like some sad abandoned puppy to the women of my family visiting my apartment with its beef jerky, mixed nuts, and a fridge full of beer and olives and expired eggs. The guys are probably thinking “Awesome! Widescreen plasma TV, beef jerky, mixed nuts, olives…what a life! But you got to throw out those eggs, man.”

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

10 Minutes Over Tea

I have ten minutes in which to write. I'm obviously not doing so well with my daily truth telling in the month of June. This is evidence of my aversion and disregard of the truth and its million little irrelevancies throughout the day. So what the hell am I doing right now? Saw the Pharmacist last weekend and got to see her eclectic apartment, complete with opium den-bathroom, mannequins, poker chip collection, and balcony garden. My mom is visiting from Florida, so we babysat my brother's kids, Taylor aged 8 (and a half!) and Shea aged 10 (and a half!) on Saturday night. I love taking a day and being both a kid again and a surrogate dad. We played Connect Four, played a memory card game which Taylor was freakishly good at, billiards, tickle monster, bounced on the trampoline, and at out at Subway. By 10:30 I was exhausted. Last night I watched the hockey game. I'm halfway through watching "Night of the Iguana" and love Richard Burton's character, or is it that I love Tennessee Williams writing? Saturday mornings are Tennis lessons, so I can get a rating and then play in a fall league. Sunday mornings I play against the 6'5" Czech coworker. Work, which I need to leave for now, is all-consuming as usual, a deposits campaign going on where I need to pull data for qualifying customers, who they need to call each day, how many deposits they had assessed the previous day, and which customers were billed five days ago so they can call them up and bully them. Really, I'm ashamed at how much I enjoy figuring out the puzzles of how to write code to get the data they want.

Friday, June 09, 2006

The Wrong Tomato

In a hurry to get to work this morning, I reached into the fridge and grabbed the ingredients for my turkey sandwhich; muenster cheese, light mayo, country style Dijon mustard, horseradish, and a tomato. As I sliced the tomato, I noticed how it looked pale, its red less vibrant, the seeds inside looking too dark. I just bought it yesterday, though, so I dropped a slice on top of the cheese, ziplocked it, and started putting ingredients away. Then I saw the actual tomato on a different shelf in the fridge, vibrant red and ripe. I must have grabbed a tomato I had bought two weeks ago and never used. The wrong tomato. A sandwich ruined. But I had to get going, and there was no time to fix it. Grin and eat it.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

06-06-06


Alien Fire
photo by noqontrol.
Today is 06-06-06. My birthdate is 09/29/69, so if you turn my driver's license upside down, you see how today I will sprout bat wings on my back and I will blacken out the sun over Minneapolis and . . . and . . . do something hideous and apocolyptic or just plain mean. Or I might watch the Stanley Cup Finals.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Lazy Days of Summer?

I’m not sure a reclusive guy like myself can adjust to these full summer weekends. I’m more accustomed to a weekend of reading, hanging out at my favorite coffe/tea shops, or writing in my journals. This weekend I went out to eat with the Pharmacist at a noisy sidewalk restaurant, had a doctor’s appointment, shopped for a new bike to replace the one that was stolen, went to Sportmart to shop for roller blades, walked around the Lake Harriett rose gardens, met up with the Pharmacist again to watch a half dozen rabbits hopping around the lawns of the convention center after sunset, played tennis with the Czech from work, visited my Mom at the Hyland Park Reserve, and watched the Woody Allen movie Match Point. Are you exhausted yet? So am I.

It’s what we do in Minnesota. The ice receeds and we stumble out of our homes and blink at the sun, then start rushing around to get in as much living as possible in this momentary garden that has sprung up around us.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Directions Required

I had taken the Pharmacist out on her first date, back when I was nineteen and she was seventeen and we both had summer jobs at French Park. I was a maintenance guy and she worked concessions. I liked how she was pretty but didn't know it, and hid shyly behind her big frizzy Julia Roberts hair. I remember having to go inside to meet her mother before we drove off to a movie. We went to see "When Harry Met Sally." Very fitting, seeing how our paths would cross again later in life.

She was painfully shy and nervous. I thought she might throw up. But I didn't hold that against her; I remember the same feeling, back when I was fifteen and went on a date with an eighteen year Madonna look-a-like and lost my virginity in a church parking lot, but that's another story. We kissed at the end of the date. We talked a little at work afterwards, but I didn't ask her out again. I thought I was probably making her miserably nervous, and two shy people aren't the greatest combination.

Fast forward seventeen years and I get a couple of anonymous comments on this blog, and then a hand-made journal sent anonymously in the mail. Finally I get an email from Anonymous identifying herself. I could have been freaked out by this, a possible stalker coming back from the past to drug me (Pharmacist weapon of choice) and leave me for dead for having never taken her out on a second date. But I arranged to meet up with her at the Open Book coffee shop.

It is odd meeting up with somebody you haven't seen in seventeen years, but since I didn't know her all that well back then, it was more like a blind date. She did try passing me a tablet of some kind during our short meeting, some kind of Tylenol pain killer that might help my neck, she said, but I stuck with my ibuprofen just in case. Even though she may have had plans to leave me floating in the Mississippi river, I did ask her out the following weekend.

We went to a gourmet pizza place, walked by the river, and then went back to my place. Now I felt like the awkward one; I hadn't been on a real date since my divorce. The Pharmacist, though not as shy as she was when she was seventeen, is not one to make the first move. We're on the sofa when I finally just laugh nervously and kiss her. She's really learned how to kiss somewhere in the past years.

Either it was my neck pain or the fact that I was thirty-six and trying to make out on a sofa, but I couldn't get comfortable. I didn't know how to navigate us from the sofa to the bedroom. All it would have taken was something as simple as taking her hand and crossing the room, but it was a gulf. The sofa was a rodeo bull and I couldn't stay on its back. Damn slippery leather. Damn limbs of adult bodies too big and clumsy to be flopping around on a sofa like a couple of teenagers. We laughed. We lay there. We felt the engines shifting down to a slow idle and we both knew the ride was over, for that night, anyway.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Dead Idols

I'm already not doing so good at posting to this every day. It's the mundane factor weighing me down, like I was worried about. Right now I'm making a Billy Idol's greatest hits CD for a woman I'm seeing, the Pharmacist. Yes, the snarling brit decked out like a punk but who was really just a crooner at heart. I wanted to be him in highschool. I showed the The Parmacist my senior picture of of my spiked hair. No snarl though. She said the rest of the weekend she had Billy Idol songs stuck in her head. After Billy I wanted to be Jim Morrison and grew my hair out and wore beaded necklaces. Then it was Harry Connick junior and the hair swept back like a muted pompador. I was always trying to be somebody else, then sometime in college my idols died away. There's nothing more foresaken than a man without his idols. Now it's just the ghosts of french poets and outsider-artist janitors that I like to imagine are watching me, but I don't want to be them.

There is more to tell about The Pharmacist. Later. She's my anonymous poster from a while back, and had sent me the journal in the mail.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

June: A Month of Truthtelling

I'm going to change it up here for a little bit during the month of June. Up to this point I've mainly written stream-of-consciousness pieces, the first drafts of story ideas, just about all of it made up, most of it nonsensicle. Don't get me wrong, what I like best about writing is the chance to step into a world of make believe. The stories I tell usually represent something I feel but don't know how to express directly. But I keep coming across the fact that the writers I admire most write from personal experience, and yet whenever I turn the camera back on myself, I get bored.

This will be interesting, or maybe very mundane. Not that much happens in my life. But one thing I will do is try to post an entry every day. It's all about tenacity, right? I haven't decided yet how to deal with writing about people I know, especially the few that read this blog. I'm leaning towards uncensored honesty, but won't that piss some people off, or hurt feelings? Too bad. It's what you get for knowing a writer, or at least a computer geek with a blog, and you can always post a comment to get me back. I guess the least I could do is fictionalize the names. Who am I kidding, who cares? I think only four people read this thing anyway.

Why for the month of June? So that it can be easily categorized and buried away in the archives after I return to tales of insanity, murder, and upchucked diamond rings.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Bring Into Focus

I slide down the embankment, looking for cover from the eyes that watch, the voices that accuse. I seek shelter in a wayside restroom, cowering there on the tiles and the septic stench, imagining a softer world. By dawn I’m walking again along the shoulder of the interstate, until a nice old lady picks me up. She’s my surrogate grandmother for the day; a soft smiling caricature of kindness with pudgy arms opened wide to pull you into an all consuming hug. She smokes like a grease fire, but that doesn’t bother me. We drive to Reno and there she drops me off with a ziplock bag of her oatmeal cookies. An hour later at the side of the road I cry while I eat the first cookie, then save the rest, one per day, I figure, should grant me a few moments of peace for nine days.

By mid-week I walk into Jefferson and stop at the first phone booth, leaf through the white pages until I find him, buried there innocuously in the hundreds of other names like an undiagnosed cancer. Wayne Sturges. I tear out the page, fold it neatly into my pocket, then walk to the hardware store for supplies. Rope, electrical tape, pliers, utility knife…Any of the tools I think could be useful.

Sturges’ house looks about as run down and uncared for as I’d expected. If the color hadn’t started out as gray, then the peeling paint and the sun and dirt had turned it that way. Rotting shutters, two of them missing like gaps in a derelict’s smile. A gravel yard overgrown with tall weeds and refuse. Rusted chain link fence. The roof sagged, a broken spine. The front steps crumbled and cracked. A desolate home for a desolate man. I opened the gate, climbed up the steps turning to sand and rock and knocked on the door. Torn screen, torn from the inside out, somebody trying to get out?

When he came to the door in his stained robe, I could tell by the expression on his unshaven face that he thought he knew me from somewhere. Guess he couldn’t place me here, a thousand miles away from where he’d first run into me.

“Sturges,” I said. Not a question, but a statement.

“Yeah.”

“I’ve come to finish the job I started six months ago.”

He recognized me now. Those bloodshot eyes opened a little wider.

“She’s just about dead now. Can hardly get anything out of her.”

“Well I come to take care of that.”

He opened the door. That threw me off a little. I’d already examined the door to judge if I’d be able to kick it in. I would have been able. He knew that too, I guess.

The room stank. Pizza boxes, opened tuna fish cans, beer bottles scattered on the floor. The television was propped on overturned milk crates, the picture flickering . Oprah. Fuzzy picture with a coathanger antenna.

I dropped my bag of supplies next to the television, grabbed the pliers and set to work on the antenna. “You know I don’t like to leave a job undone…”

“Sorry man, but I was moving out here and had to get her out of the shop. Didn’t think you could do nothing for her anyway.”

“We’ll see.” I pinched and crimped the antenna, taped on a tinfoil pie plate I’d seen on the floor, trying to work it like a shaman bringing into tune the transmissions of spirits traveling invisibly through the air, getting into the groove of my life’s work: to focus the pictures that come in blurry.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Toy Boat


Toy Boat photo by Richbos.
He met her at the Bugle Coffee Shop on the corner of Sundry and Union Street, at 1:00 o’clock in the afternoon. He showed up fifteen minutes early so as to try to relax before she arrived, but she was already there, sitting in a booth. He grew anxious whenever meeting new people. Even more-so complete strangers that came out of nowhere with a phone message left in the middle of the night: “I have something of yours, something you lost a long time ago. If you’ll meet with me, I’ll return it.”

She had blonde hair, with about an inch of her bangs died black. They cut a sharp, even line across her forehead. She wore heavy eyeliner around green eyes. Her nose was pierced with a silver stud. She wore white fishnets, tall black clunky boots with silver buckles up the calves, a plaid skirt held together with oversized safety pins, and yet her rebellious clothes were betrayed by the crows-feet around her eyes that placed her somewhere in her mid-thirties. On the seat beside her rested a canvas sack with a drawstring.

He slid into the booth across from her. She sipped her coffee and peered at him from over the cup’s rim. He ordered a cup of tea from the waitress, and as she was walking away, the woman across from him asked for a bowl of barley soup.

They silently observed each other until the waitress returned with tea and soup. “There’s a story I want to tell you,” she said. He sipped his tea. “A young single-mother buys her little boy a toy boat. He plays with it in the bathtub until he grows tired of the small surface of water, the porcelain walls rising up on all sides. He asks his mother if he can float it out on the pond at the park. She says no, afraid that it might float beyond reach, and stretching to retrieve it, he would fall in and drown. He couldn’t swim. One morning when his mother had fallen asleep on the sofa while reading a book, he floods the bathroom. The boat sails from one side of the tiled floor to the other, but it bumps into the walls and the base of the sink. His mother finds him splashing in the shallows. She spanks him with a wooden spoon and sets the boat on the top bookshelf in the library, where he can only look up and see the top of the sails peeking out.

“After two weeks she gets down the sailboat. He brings it into the bath, laughing, playing the voices of pirates scrambling around on the deck. His mother sits on the toilet, legs crossed, elbow propped on knee, chin resting on the heel of her hand. She doesn’t know that he is faking this enjoyment to disarm her. He hatches a plan.

“On his way out the door one morning on the way to school, he slips the boat beneath his rain slicker. It has been raining for three and a half days. The gutters are swollen with run-off, parking lots become vast lakes of standing water. He walks to his bus stop, but as his schoolmates climb the steps into the bus, he ducks down into Mr. Olsen’s shrubs. After the bus pulls away, he climbs out of the shrubs and heads off down the sidewalk.

“Rushing rivers of water run alongside the curbs, swirling eddies of rainwater gather on the corners for intersections, whirlpools descend through sewer gratings. He sets the boat into the current. It starts off down the street, one block, two. He runs alongside it. When it gets hung up on debris, he steps into the rushing currents to lift it free. Further and further he follows his boat until he finds himself miles from home, outside of his town, somewhere off the interstate.”

He sets down his tea cup. He looks outside to the cold spring rain puddling in the street, half expecting to see a toy boat in the gutter.

“No, it’s not out there. Do you know where the boat went?”

“It kept going," he said, "for miles and miles. Every time it hung up on a branch or a piece of garbage, I freed it. It reached the Mississippi...”

“…and he ran alongside the shoreline, stumbling over driftwood, sliding down ditches, at times even falling into the banks of the river to watch his toy boat take on the greatest river in North America.”

“It stayed afloat, but I couldn’t keep up.”

“It’s lucky you scratched your name into its hull. I would never have found you.”

“Where did you find it?”

“Louisiana. My father was a croc-hunter. He found it the belly of a fifteen foot crocodile while gutting it.” She pulled out from the sack beside her the toy boat, setting it in the bowl of soup. It wasn’t deep enough to float, of course. It just sat there, lilting to starboard. He thought it might be the saddest thing he had seen in twenty years. The sails were frayed and yellowed with age. The carving of his name in the hull was warn smooth by the repeated stroke of a little girl’s fingers feeling out the name, like brail.

She laid some bills and change on the table, exactly her amount of the bill, and rose to her feet to leave. “How did you ever find your way back home?” she asked.

“I never did.”

She left. He watched her through the café window as she got into a rusted pick-up, swung around the parking lot to the exit, signaled right, then was whisked away into traffic and was gone.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Wolf in the Library

Strange nightmare, clinging to him in the late morning hours. He sips his coffee, stares through the newspaper into the dream. A gothic library afloat in a creeping gloam, with guttural growls coming from the rare books section held in the center of book stacks like the core of a rotten apple. Growls pursue him through winding labyrinth of books. He sprints to a spiraling stair, quickly ascends with the predatory breathing close behind him. When he reaches the top of the tower he finds, standing in an open window, his fiancé balanced on the precipice, white nightgown stark and billowing against a stormy sky. He reaches out to her as lunges across the tower room, but too late. With one frightened glance over her shoulder, she steps off the edge and drops into the weightless night.

He holds the stone wall and hangs out the window, looking down to the troubled waters of the mote. Ripples swallowed her whole, like the water creature purported to lurk in the moat waters. She was never found. Lept from a library window into eternity, and why? This question would plague him in the morning hours after sunshine had replaced the dream and his finance was back at his side, obliviously leafing through the Sunday ads. He wondered about the sound that had come from his throat when he tried to shout out to her. Low gutteral growl. The thick black pelt covering his arm reaching out to snatch her from the window. The claws that had only grasped the space from which she had escaped him into death.

He returned to his newspaper. Just a dream. His uncle wouldn’t think so. Uncle Theo, the eccentric of the family, famed parascientist who had written two treatise on dream encounters and their very real impact on a person’s psychic fabric. Maybe he would go out to Hedonshire this afternoon to consult with his uncle, look up the dream symbols in his library of the occult.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Strange Fruit

I was watching the Bob Dylan documentary “No Direction Home” and saw a clip from Billie Holiday singing Strange Fruit. I had never heard this before. Reading the lyrics is powerful enough, but with Billie Holiday singing them, seeing her . . . it was one of those moments of terrible lucidity.

Strange Fruit

Southern trees bear strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root.
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter cry.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Good Boy, Scurvy


(tongue)
photo by C Buckley.
Last week my dog threw up a diamond ring. It was an engagement ring, three round cut stones set in white gold, entangled with a weave of grass and bile from my dog’s stomach. Scurvy likes to eat grass in the spring, then pukes it up on the living room carpet or on the kitchen floor

I put on dish gloves, picked the ring out of the vomit, cleaned it as best I could over the garbage can and then rinsed it off in the sink. Scurvy sat by the sink the whole time, wagging his tale, thumping against the cupboards. Yes Scurvy, good boy.

I asked the neighbor lady if she had lost a ring recently. Nope, she said, where did you find it? Well….

I keep the ring in my pocket in case I come across somebody I suspect it belongs to. Like a worry stone, I find myself running my fingers over its edges from deep inside my pockets. It started to fray the front of all my slacks. Whenever I was at a store and needed to fish out change, it would come out in the handful of coins, and I’d get a strange look from the cashier. I’d stick it back in my pocket, smile off-handedly, and take my bag and leave.

I take it out and looked at it absently while I watch television. I am not sure if it is a real diamond or what it is worth, but that doesn’t matter. Scurvy threw up against three days afterward, and I found myself picking through it to see what he’d brought me this time. Just more grass, pebbles, an undigested piece of rawhide. He wagged his tale just as enthusiastically as I cleaned up the mess. I guess the difference in value between a chewed rawhide bone and a diamond ring meant nothing to him.

I drew up a Ring Found poster and made a dozen copies at a nearby Kinko’s, then tacked them up to utility poles within a three block radius. I figure that’s about as far as scurvy gets when he runs away. Within three days I got seven calls. None of the callers could correctly describe the ring. With each made-up story I grew less and less fond of my neighbors. One woman said she had been in an argument with her boyfriend and he had torn it off her finger and thrown it away, and she’d needed stitches. Another said she had lost it while helping an elderly lady from a taxi to the front of her house. A young man said that he’d bought it to propose to his sweetheart but had thrown it from the car window after she’d turned him down. I almost wanted to give it to him, but then I would never get the ring to who it really belonged to.

A woman showed up at my front door this morning, her arms crossed over her chest as though she was cold, but it was quite warm out. She wore sweatpants and a baseball cap with wisps of hair peeking out. It looked like she was balding underneath the cap. Her eyes were sunken and her skin grey. She smiled wanly at me and said she’d heard from her neighbor that I’d found a diamond ring. She told me hers had kept slipping off of her finger lately. She looked apologetically at me, shrugged her shoulders that poked through her sweatshirt. She said she could describe it for me, and started to, but I told her no. No need to go into details. I handed her the ring, and she closed her fingers over it. She said maybe she should wear it on a necklace for now on, at least until…but she didn’t finish. Scurvy was beside the door, thumping his tail against the floor and panting. She leaned down and petted him. What’s his name, she asked? Scout, I said. Good boy, Scout.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Mutiny of Limbs

Most people are blessed with two feet that get along. The left foot and the right foot are soul mates, perfectly in good will and cooperation with one another. But Henry somehow ended up with two feet that just didn’t get along with one another. They would constantly bicker and fight, and this caused havoc for poor Henry. He’d be walking to work in the morning, and the left foot, being much more responsible and dependable than the right foot, would be walking straight down the sidewalk towards the office, but the right foot, being much more carefree and spontaneous, decided it would rather go for a swim at the lake and started heading off in other direction. Henry nearly fell to the ground, and people gawked at the man with one leg going down the sidewalk and the other trying to hail a cab. It was only in the most crooked and faltering path that he was eventually able to eek out enough compliance from his two feet to get himself to work.

His hands felt terrible, having to witness the communication breakdown between the right and left foot. They’ve been through tough times themselves, but have worked it out. Multi-limbed coordinated dexterity took a lot of hard work, nobody said it would be easy. Each of the hands sympathizes with a different foot however, which leads to their own disagreements. Spats flare up, like when Henry had to pick his nose, and the left hand said “It’s your turn,” but the right hand says “I had to do it last time!” Henry is nearly exhausted by the end of the day, just keeping all of his extremities under control.

His toes felt helpless and caught in the middle of all this. The little toe thought it was to blame in some way for the feet not getting along, even though the big toe stressed that they had nothing to do with it, and kept saying that everything would be all right. But it wasn’t.

Henry woke up one morning and discovered that his right foot had up and left sometime during the night. He slid out of bed, puts on his left shoe and stares sadly at the right, leaving it cast aside on the floor. He hops around town, searching for his right foot. Finally, in a crowd on the subway platform they spot the right foot attached to the ankle of an older man. They hop madly after it, but too late: they have gotten onto a subway car and disappear into the city.

He resorts to placing an ad in the paper “Man with one left foot, seeks single white foot, approximately 8 ½ inches, preferably mild tempered, enjoys quiet evenings at home, etc…” He gets a wide variety of responses. A right foot shows up one day that used to belong to a baseball player, but that foot is too itchy. Another foot won’t stop fidgeting and spends all day tapping under the desk. Another responds to the ad is from a woman’s foot, with bright red painted nails. Henry becomes too self-conscious when he has to go barefoot. A college football hero’s foot would spontaneously decide to punt houseplants or the telephone across the room. An old man’s foot kept falling asleep. One day another left foot mistakenly shows up, but Henry is so desperate at this point that he decides to give two left feet a try. This opens him up to too many jokes about being a bad dancer.

Finally, he’s home on a weekend moping around the house with his one left foot and his two hands, which still claim they are above all of this nonsense and had seen these problems coming for years, when there’s a tap at the door. There stands his right foot, in an old athletic sock with a big hole in the heel, looking beat up and forlorn, with a stubbed toe and too long of toe nails. They begrudgingly come together again. The toes are ecstatic to see one another, and even the hands fold together complacently, saying they knew the feet would work it out eventually. Henry is so happy, he goes to put on his old shoes and pauses and thinks, this is cause for a celebration. He goes out and buys new shoes, brand new comfortable shoes with plenty of room in the toe, and a nice arch, with a light material that can breathe, and the moment his feet slip inside them he feels a completely contented feeling. His feet are home now, and in these new shoes they dance around the apartment and down the sidewalks, and he wonders how he had been so stupid as to underestimate the importance of good shoes.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Contents Under Pressure


Campbell's Soup
Originally uploaded by emanelcaffè.
I was very nearly maimed tonight by a can of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup. Part of me knew what kind of danger I was in when I saw the can bulging both at the top and the bottom. It easily spun in place on the counter top. This entertained me like the naïve child that I am; then I reached for the pull-tab on the easy-open lid.

I might as well have been pulling the pin on a grenade. The explosion was instantaneous. My ears rung. The spray of cream blinded me. I found myself turning in circles beside the refrigerator in shock, the tab still looped around my index finger, which stung sharply and which I stared at for several moments waiting for the red to flow.

The percussion had barely died down and I was already cursing myself for how careless I had been. How many times had my mom warned me about—wait a minute: …wearing clean underwear…strange men in vans…running around the house with a Que-tip sticking out of my ear…Nope, not once did she warn me about a can of soup exploding in my face.

For the rest of my life I will cringe when opening soup. I better sign off now; I still have to wipe down the ceiling.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Budapest Nights

We were crazy during those drunken Hungarian nights, dancing in the garden, spilling wine on the hydrangeas and lilac and paprika. The entire village sat up in bed and listened to the wailing of us two boys at the moon, our chanting and singing, until the village peacekeepers made their way out the ravaged garden. A fight ensued. I'm not sure how I landed here. Mom, please get me out of this foreign jail. Through the barred window in the twilight of morning, I watch the gypsy girls scurry from the dockyards to the mule-drawn carts where their fathers wait for them, palms turned upwards, waiting for money. I watch the rats crawl from piers and back into the warehouses. I've scratched my name into the stone to ascertain my existence here, that it was not just a drunken morning hangover dream and please come get me.

What a wicked night I'd spent in a shaman’s delirium, on the edge of the Danube on a bridge that ended halfway across the water. I watch ghosts stagger out of the burning oasis of Budapest. The screams of specters still fill my nights, when I cower in bed in a cold sweat and strangling sheets, recoiling from the whirl of shadows on the wall. I had been deserted by my friend; the last I had seen him, he was lurking in the corner of a café, his gaunt face half hidden behind a fichus tree; then floating in the canal, bloated and smiling. The last I'd seen of Artaud, before he could whisper his instructions to me, was riding on the handlebars of a young girl as she pedaled oblivious down Vaci Street. By reading his purple lips I could catch his voice in my mind and the encrypted meaning of his words. They went something like this . . .