Thursday, August 31, 2006

Morrison's New Language?


I return to the screen to scream, to the keyboard to scrawl my name in chalk, praying the rain doesn’t come too soon to erase it. I listen to Jim Morrison’s “An American Prayer”, words flowing in and out, streaming like video on the net, images in sudden fits and starts, pixelized and unclear. I need to offer a sacrifice to get a faster connection. How would Morrison have liked the Net? He’d have loved it, a new media in which to rule, to mold into a shape of his will. I wonder at times if he has somehow transformed his soul into code, streams through the network of wires, across the phone lines of the country, dipping into this chip and that circuit, carrying stock quotes to business men and news of births to grandparents and postings of dream interpretations to newsgroups. He has become the primal electronic scream of modems crying out to each other from livingrooms and dens across America. Is this the new language he envisioned, this cybernetic screech? Can music be made of this? Can poetry? Like the priest on the pulpit, Morrison intones:
“…Soft driven, slow and mad
Like some new language,
Reaching your hand with the cold,
sudden fury of a divine messenger.”

Monday, August 28, 2006

Pronoun

I belong to one of the major form classes in any of a great many languages. I am a substitute for a noun or noun equivalent, take noun constructions, and am declined. I refer to persons or things named, asked for, or understood in context. I have little or no fixed meaning except one of relation or limitation. I take many forms: emphatic, identifying, intensive, personal, reciprocal, refexive, and relative.

I am, in fact, not a noun, but its substitute.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Fishing for Mermaids


Blue
photo by John Carleton.
A strong distaste in his nostrils and back of his throat, like something rotting. A sinus infection, perhaps, or a general distaste of the smell of things. He wandered around the rooms of his lake home. On the dock he could see his little girl fishing, her legs dangling over the side, the bobber floating on the still water. She would fish from sunrise to noon with a patience that escaped him. What you fishing for, he’d ask, and she would respond “For mermaids, Daddy. Now go away, you’re scaring them.” Odd girl from the loins of an odd mother.

He went to the living room, pulled a Kleenex out of the box and tried blowing his nose again. Noting came out. He felt dried up and like his nasal passages was a closed up house with milk rotting on the kitchen counter.

He grabbed his car keys of the table and headed out.

He drove fifteen minutes to Mainstreet and pulled up outside the 8th Street Grill. It wasn’t on 8th street any more; it had moved from 8th to Main about six years back, but the owner didn’t want to pay for new printing on the paper napkins. Inside, the noise of families and friends talking, the clink of dishes, the cash register printing out checks, the hiss of food from the kitchen. He grabbed a seat at the counter. The waitress, Doreen, had high arching eyebrows like the McDonalds golden arches. Can those be real, he wondered? They didn’t look drawn on. She took a pad of paper and held it, ready for his order. What did he want? What did he really want? He didn’t know but he couldn’t make her stand there forever so he asked for a blueberry muffin and a cup of coffee.

He’d forgotten about his daughter; she was still on the dock, and unsupervised. So what if she wore a Snoopy life vest, that wouldn’t save her from a kidnapper or a bear. He almost got out of his seat to drive back, but then realized it wouldn’t matter if he drove back. She wouldn’t be there anymore. She’d have been taken in by the mermaids of the lake by now, and she would be submerged in the deep pools while the mermaids decorated her with clam shells and long draping garlands of seaweed.

“So where’s the wife today?” the cook asked from over the counter, smirking to the dishwasher clearing trays.

Probably fucking that shoe salesman out at the mall. “I don’t know Sam, do I look like I gotta track her comings and goings all day?”

“Just a question,” Sam replied, wiping his hands on his apron and snatching another order from the carrosel. He ducked back into the kitchen and Doreen slid a cup of coffee on a saucer front of him. “You hafta pick out your own muffin at the counter.”

“What the hell for?”

“Because that’s the policy, and I am not one to go against policy; now it’s just a few feet away. You can handle that, now can’t you Clark?”

For fuck sake, why does everybody have to tell me what to do? But he walked over and spent considerable time examining the muffins to find just the right one. By the time he made it back to his seat, his coffee was cold. Have to put more sugar in it now. He shoveled sugar into his coffee, then dropped the spoon with a clatter onto the saucer. He took a grim satisfaction of how Doreen jumped at the sound.

He could have his own affair, he figured. Maybe that elementary school teacher of his daughter’s, or maybe the girl that worked the counter down at the feed mill. She was probably too young for him, but leaving his wife for someone far younger than her would be all the better.

What the hell do I care if she’s screwing around with someone, he wondered? It’s only because of what people might think, is all. When you get right down to, does it matter to me if she’s found someone else? If she was to keep seeing that guy and nobody would find out, I don’t think I’d give a rip. But I want something too. If she gets to have someone on the side, some taste of satisfaction, then I deserve that too, don’t I? It just doesn’t have to be an affair. The last thing I need right now is another woman, so what’s it going to be?

Yeah, what’s it going to be, he asked himself, taking a sip of cold coffee that was bitter and sweet and at the same time, then a bite of one perfect blueberry muffin. Have to tell Sam he really knows how to bake them. Maybe later, he decided, still sore about the insinuation about his wife.

A boat? Yeah, a boat. He’d wanted one ever since they bought the lake home but his wife had always said no. He could escape out on the water from sunrise to noon. What you fishing for, Clark? Mermaids. Quiet down now. You’re scaring them away.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Write Good

No, not like that. Harder, with more substance. Make me taste it and feel it. Good grammar doesn’t matter; you always do what your grammarian tells you? Don’t talk about concepts like love and hate, talk about the friction between our bodies. Don’t tell me about old lovers, tell me about now, this very moment, the most important moment. Stay away from adjectives. I am a noun. Use only nouns.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Bright Shiny Objects

I knew I’d only be seeing her for a couple of days, then she would be whisked back to the west coast, and then even further away across the ocean, so I knew this was mainly a fun weekend, a handful of hours when the woman I knew from the internet would be incarnated in the flesh. Getting too attached, and then hurt from going our separate ways, isn’t really a possibility for me. I have chronic anesthesia, I am desensitized from any prolonged sense of feeling. Especially once someone is no longer in my proximity, I tend to forget and get distracted by the shiny objects around me. I am essentially a simple creature.

I was surprised at myself when driving back from Milwaukee yesterday to still be thinking about her. The way she laughs and her easy smile, her unfailing confidence with a map even as we get more and more lost deep in the urban woods of Milwaukee, the way we picked out the same glass of wine with dinner. The bow shape of her upper lip when she pouts, or is she thinking? What is she thinking, with that Mensa mind of hers, or it is the writer, wondering how best to use me? Is it the Christian that wants to save me, or the dominatrix that wants to consume me? But what bows her upper lip doesn’t concern me, if I really want the anesthesia to wear off. When we wrote poems at the dinner table on scraps of paper, all of the words I contributed were suspiciously externalized. All nouns. All about the bright shiny objects around me.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Bed and Breakfast

He sits alone in his room at a B&B, one of those restored Victorian homes in a rundown Milwaukee neighborhood, wondering what she’s going to be like. He’d read her blog for months, seen dozens of pictures her, her daughter, her friends. But what’s it really going to be like to see her for the first time the next morning, hug her like seeing an old friend he’d never met.

Outside the window, the base beat of music plays from the rundown apartment across the driveway. He turns up the air conditioner so the drone will drown out the noises from outside. Her turns up the Spanish music playing on the clock radio, a very small sound from across the room. He types in her web address, opens her blog, reads over all of her old entries like tracing the different patterns of moles across her body or the lines of her palm, trying to memorize her.

And what has happened to his Pharmacist? Their relationship had been downgraded to “friends”, and he wondered if you can really be friends after having dated, even if it worked out for Seinfeld and Elaine. He wondered if friends can still make out from time to time. He wondered if she was reading his thoughts across a computer screen in another city three hundred miles away, and if she was hurt knowing with what anticipation he waited for morning.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Let the Rain In

I let the rain come in, just for the hell of it. Lightning, thunder, rain trashed the room like a rockstar, and now all of my magazines on the coffee table are warped with water. I sit back in a damp recliner and feel pleased. Bring it all in. I don’t want to be shut up in here anymore but I can’t bring myself to pass the threshold of the door, so instead let’s let the world in. Wasn’t that once the tagline for the worldwide web? It applies to thunderstorms too.

I read different blogs and admire how some people feel so deeply that the torment is squeezed from them like a lemon. I’ve dried out. Maybe it was because I shut myself up in here for so long I can’t remember quite what it’s like to care for someone again. I don’t remember what it feels like, that torn up run-and-hide kind of passion and love that makes you miserable. So instead I sit contentedly in my apartment, trying to let the storms in.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Killer Koi


It was an early morning in 1973 when my father lost his leg to a killer koi. He was wading the koi ponds of Mr. Ellison’s estate, famed breeder of championship koi, harbringer of designer breeding in that ancient though clandestine field of koi-anetics. My father was the head koi-handler, scattering specially formulated fish pellets into the water, wading among the water lilies when the following events unfolded.

The groundskeepers were setting the sprinklers and trimming the hedges that early fateful morning. According to witness testimony, the estate was alive with birdsong, a light breeze stirred the magnolias, when suddenly an eerie stillness settled over the grounds. One groundskeeper recalled looking up from his work to see my father wading obliviously through the sparkling pools, then look over his left shoulder in the moment before the attack.

The first strike was a single violent pull on his heal, bringing my father bolt upright, like the first tug on a fishing bobber. Then, a single moment of shock and disbelief, followed by a violent thrashing that lifted him off his feet and submerged him in the shallow pool.

The groundscrew cried out, dropping hedgeclippers and pruners to come running to the waters edge. In the roiling water the head groundskeeper recalls seeing the flash of gold, white and black of the killer koi, and the flailing arms of my father. The koi had spun in a twisting motion, like an alligator roll, twisting off my father’s leg at the knee. By reaching out across the water with the handle of a rake, the groundscrew were able to pull my father out of the bloodied water to the safety of shore.

Panic ensued. Ambulence sirens. Crime photographers. A special committee from the American Koi Society (AKS). Although I was only a child, I remember staying at my father’s side throughout the night in the hospital. Perhaps it was because my father knew those fish better than his own childen that he had foreseen one of them rising up to claim his leg someday. From his hospital bed, through the haze of painkillers and delirium I heard him cry out, “Diablo Wasabi! Diablo Wasabi!”

How could I forget the koi of which he spoke? He always paddled at the waters surface with his head and eyes peeking above the water line, watching me, unblinking, the school of fish giving him a wide burth. Have you ever seen the eyes of a koi? Black, lifeless eyes. A doll’s eyes.

Mr. Ellison posted a $10,000 reward to capture the killer koi. A mob converged on the ponds of the estate. Half of the school was obliterated, captured in nets, stunned by underwater explosives, snagged by children with Snoopy fishing poles, and yet Diablo Wasabi eluded them all. Among the crowds of fishermen, ichthyologists, and media hobbled my father, a crutch in one hand and a gaff in the other.

The crowds parted, forming a corrider towards pond. As my father went into the water, the head groundskeeper clutched me to his chest so I would not witness the fight, but I heard the slow even wading of my father suddenly broken with fierce splashing, gasps from the crowd, and then a wet thud on the ground. I turned to see Diablo Wasabi flopping on shore, the sun glinting off the wet scales of gold and black. How small he seemed on the grass, yanked from his element, gills laboring in the open air. My father sat on the grass ten yards away, the bloodied gaff still clutched in one hand while rubbing the stump of his leg with the other. We all watched the killer koi take his last breaths and felt the same dissatisfaction my father must have felt, the futility of one more dead fish, the emptiness of revenge.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Solitarian

Why is it that the stories I like writing most are of tormented, solitary souls holed up in a slummy apartment, working at some inconsequential though personally critical task? Why do they all struggle with obsessive thoughts and delusions? Why is it that I like characters who inhabit the same space but don’t know how to communicate with each other? The closest they ever come are monologs recited for the other’s benefit. My version of plot development is when the guy moves from a rocking chair to the front step. Maybe he gets up one morning and stands baffled on the edge of a river, a hand to his forehead, trying to remember if it was flowing the other direction yesterday.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

In Search of Distraction


I go through phases where I want to lose myself in something. Love or books or writing or a video game. I don’t know who to love, but I’m loving the book Kite Runner. I’m starting to get into writing again, and the experience of writing at dusk while listening to creepy atmospheric soundtracks. The video games that tempt me are Everquest, WarCraft, Silent Hill, or Might and Magic. I lean towards Might and Magic because I can play it alone. I’m so shy that even playing a multi-person role playing game, especially one with Massive in the acronym like MMORPG, makes be afraid. Should I really start up any of these games, though? I am the personality type that will become obsessed, that will forget about work and relationships so that I won’t be distracted from the game, and every minute of gameplay will be tainted with guilt because I know the truth of it: I am wasting my time.

Ah screw it, where's the CD.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Lady of the Lake



The Pharmacist was watering the plants on her balcony when she looked down and had this odd flash in her head, a disturbing image of a woman trapped under water. Was she dead? Was it a premonition of a woman drowning?

She looked closer; through the balcony slats she saw it was just a new table purchased by the skinny man with the pot belly that lived below her, a tacky table to go with his Target canvas foldout camping chair. The glass top was covered with overspray from watering her plants. But the image stayed with her throughout the day, especially the water beaded on the glass. Much to the chagrin of her neighbor, she continued to over-water her plants, hoping one day to figure out why this image stuck with her, this discount store Lady of the Lake.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

What I Wish I Was Doing

I know her name now. The sultry tall woman at the coffee gallery who reminds me of Katie Homes in “Wonder Boys” is named Lindsay. Nice to meet you Lindsay, I’m Brett. It’s pretty dead here on a Saturday, huh? Yeah, she says, and really boring. We exchange Nice-to-Meet-You’s and I walk just as casually as can be to my table without sprawling into any chairs.

It is dull here. I watch traffic pass by the plate glass windows. It’s like I’m sitting on the curb, but protected from the noise and heat and exhaust fumes. Instead I hear classical music from speakers behind the counter. I hear keys tapping under my fingers, the scrape of wooden chairs across wide cedar plank floors, the clank of the cash register sliding open. Coins jingle in Lindsay’s palm and then drop into plastic trays, the coins I tipped her moments ago when I should have tipped paper bills. Too late to run back now.

Lindsay must be wondering why I am hanging around this boring place when I could be anywhere. If I could be anywhere or with anyone, where would I want to be? Sitting out on the banks of the Mississippi watching my dog swim. At home watching World Cup Soccer. Reading books all day on a park bench. What I’d really like to be doing is hanging out in the back yard of a friend’s house while he’s standing over a smoking grill. I’ve got a beer in my hand, and I’m doing some sort of trick to make his kids laugh. I’m talking to his wife about my latest dating follies, and she’s telling me about cute friends of hers that she’d like me to meet but I politely decline. Maybe he’s grilling salmon steaks and asparagus, and there’s fruit tart for desert that I bought at the Café Latte in Saint Paul. We play Spanish music from a CD I bought at a concert at the Cedar Cultural Center the week before, where I’d taken a woman out on a date. We danced at the back of the crowd, lost ourselves in the music and the buzz from the Corona’s, then went back to my place and lay on cool white sheets lit only by the city lights filtering in from the window. I’m thinking of this now while my buddy is talking about the Twins ore something I don’t really care about as he turns the salmon steaks. After we eat we light a fire in the fire-pit and show his kids how to roast marshmallows just right, toasty brown and melty. I go home around ten and find my dog jumping on the front door, excited for his nightly walk.

Friday, June 30, 2006

A Monster's Viewpoint


I just finished reading John Gardner’s “Grendel”, a story from the point of view of the monster in Beowulf. I like this passage:

“Blood lust and rage are my character. Why does the lion not wisely settle down and be a horse? In any case, I too am learning, ordeal by ordeal, my indignity. It’s all I have, my only weapon for smashing through these stiff coffin-walls of the world. So I dance in the moonlight, make foul jokes, or labor to shake the foundations of night with my heaped-up howls of rage. Something is bound to come of all this. I cannot believe such monstrous energy of grief can lead to nothing!”

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Fireworks for the Weary

Did I say something about life lacking color? God must have heard me, because She piled on the luster last evening to bang me over the head with the brilliance of life, if I just care to see it. While I was uploading a rant about my aversion to real life, I hear these explosions going off, so I look out the window. A storm blows across the west, the setting sun coloring the thunderheads every shade from midnight blue to red. Down on the plaza an old jazz woman sings on stage, the audience huddled beneath umbrellas, a field of mushrooms glistening red, blue, black. Over in Loring Park an art fair kicks off its first night with a fireworks display. From my high-rise the fireworks explode at eye level. So with the thunderstorm sunset, jazz music bouncing off the buildings, and bursts of fireworks lighting up the sky, I had to say “you’re right. I get it. Just open your eyes.” As long as there will always be a fireworks display ready for every time I feel disillusioned about life, I’ll be fine.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Thrice Removed

What is with my aversion to writing about real life? Or bring down to the personal level, my own life? I’m bored with it. Or is it that I don’t want to look at it too closely? What sort of things can I be avoiding looking at? That I’m thirty-six and alone, that I have not found that woman I’m destined to be with. That I wonder if love is a fiction, at least for me. I don’t want to hear you self-help readers say, “You’re just afraid you’re not lovable.” I’m more afraid that I just won’t find her out there, or that I’m incapable of loving someone. I’m great at being enraptured, lustful, entranced from afar, but let me in too close and I’ll start to see the cracks in the teacup.

Okay, enough on love. How about children? I ache when I think that I might never have children. I think kids are the most miraculous beings on the planet. I immediately smile when I see a child walking towards me, holding a grandparent’s hand, or riding on a dad’s shoulder, or even sleeping in a stroller. They pick me out of the crowd too, and smile back. It’s like they know I’m connected to them in some way. Or is it just that they can’t repress a giggle from seeing a 6’2” kid smiling back at them??

What else? Writing. God, writing. Don’t make me look at this debacle. Writing was to be the thing I live for, the life’s work that provides meaning, a purpose-maker, navigator, reprisal for all of those empty spaces mentioned above. But my love and joy of writing has dissolved, left home, abandoned me. It’s like you work for something (albeit half-assed) all of your life and then detour off course and realize while you’re lying in bed at night that you’re not going to get it back. Sometime a number of years ago I strayed. And where am I now? Working at a utility company as a SQL coder. A data gopher. I don’t want to look at this too closely, and maybe that’s why I have such distaste in my mouth when I sit down to write, especially about any thing real. It’s something like running into an ex-lover on the street and having to hug them and say how wonderful they look. It’s like kissing somebody you really don’t want to kiss but feel obliged to. Like getting laid off and seeing the smug face of your old coworkers when run into them at the grocery store.

See how I shelter myself with metaphor. A thing like a thing like a thing leaves me three steps removed from the truth, and I can finally digest it. I’m waiting for July 1st, when I can leave this truth and reality crap behind and go back to my delusions.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Hail and Expired Eggs


Egg
photo by switch1.
I was getting ready to head out to the grocery store when the sky opened up and a righteous storm blew into the city. Water streamed so thickly down the windows that I felt like I was in a car that had just dropped off a bridge into the river. Wind hit the glass so hard you could see the reflections bulge, hear the glass crack as it expands and shrinks. Then hail started to fall and I pressed my face up against the glass despite my better sense of judgment so I could see the spectacle of a million pea-sized ice balls dumped from the sky and drop 25 floors into space. First they whisked north in the wind, then they reversed and whisked south. Everything around me roared with the vibration of hail. Ice drifted on the roof of the church and looked like snow. Clumps of ice coagulated in the gutters and swirled around sewer gratings. I heard on the radio that manhole covers had been lifted off their moorings by the pressure of the runoff in the sewers.

It's over now. It's 10:30 at night. I’m usually sleeping by now but I’m baking brownies for when my family visits tomorrow. I couldn’t think of anything to cook and I can’t grill out since I don’t have a balcony and I feel so damn feeble that I have to buy roasted chickens at the grocery store. I must seem like some sad abandoned puppy to the women of my family visiting my apartment with its beef jerky, mixed nuts, and a fridge full of beer and olives and expired eggs. The guys are probably thinking “Awesome! Widescreen plasma TV, beef jerky, mixed nuts, olives…what a life! But you got to throw out those eggs, man.”

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

10 Minutes Over Tea

I have ten minutes in which to write. I'm obviously not doing so well with my daily truth telling in the month of June. This is evidence of my aversion and disregard of the truth and its million little irrelevancies throughout the day. So what the hell am I doing right now? Saw the Pharmacist last weekend and got to see her eclectic apartment, complete with opium den-bathroom, mannequins, poker chip collection, and balcony garden. My mom is visiting from Florida, so we babysat my brother's kids, Taylor aged 8 (and a half!) and Shea aged 10 (and a half!) on Saturday night. I love taking a day and being both a kid again and a surrogate dad. We played Connect Four, played a memory card game which Taylor was freakishly good at, billiards, tickle monster, bounced on the trampoline, and at out at Subway. By 10:30 I was exhausted. Last night I watched the hockey game. I'm halfway through watching "Night of the Iguana" and love Richard Burton's character, or is it that I love Tennessee Williams writing? Saturday mornings are Tennis lessons, so I can get a rating and then play in a fall league. Sunday mornings I play against the 6'5" Czech coworker. Work, which I need to leave for now, is all-consuming as usual, a deposits campaign going on where I need to pull data for qualifying customers, who they need to call each day, how many deposits they had assessed the previous day, and which customers were billed five days ago so they can call them up and bully them. Really, I'm ashamed at how much I enjoy figuring out the puzzles of how to write code to get the data they want.

Friday, June 09, 2006

The Wrong Tomato

In a hurry to get to work this morning, I reached into the fridge and grabbed the ingredients for my turkey sandwhich; muenster cheese, light mayo, country style Dijon mustard, horseradish, and a tomato. As I sliced the tomato, I noticed how it looked pale, its red less vibrant, the seeds inside looking too dark. I just bought it yesterday, though, so I dropped a slice on top of the cheese, ziplocked it, and started putting ingredients away. Then I saw the actual tomato on a different shelf in the fridge, vibrant red and ripe. I must have grabbed a tomato I had bought two weeks ago and never used. The wrong tomato. A sandwich ruined. But I had to get going, and there was no time to fix it. Grin and eat it.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

06-06-06


Alien Fire
photo by noqontrol.
Today is 06-06-06. My birthdate is 09/29/69, so if you turn my driver's license upside down, you see how today I will sprout bat wings on my back and I will blacken out the sun over Minneapolis and . . . and . . . do something hideous and apocolyptic or just plain mean. Or I might watch the Stanley Cup Finals.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Lazy Days of Summer?

I’m not sure a reclusive guy like myself can adjust to these full summer weekends. I’m more accustomed to a weekend of reading, hanging out at my favorite coffe/tea shops, or writing in my journals. This weekend I went out to eat with the Pharmacist at a noisy sidewalk restaurant, had a doctor’s appointment, shopped for a new bike to replace the one that was stolen, went to Sportmart to shop for roller blades, walked around the Lake Harriett rose gardens, met up with the Pharmacist again to watch a half dozen rabbits hopping around the lawns of the convention center after sunset, played tennis with the Czech from work, visited my Mom at the Hyland Park Reserve, and watched the Woody Allen movie Match Point. Are you exhausted yet? So am I.

It’s what we do in Minnesota. The ice receeds and we stumble out of our homes and blink at the sun, then start rushing around to get in as much living as possible in this momentary garden that has sprung up around us.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Directions Required

I had taken the Pharmacist out on her first date, back when I was nineteen and she was seventeen and we both had summer jobs at French Park. I was a maintenance guy and she worked concessions. I liked how she was pretty but didn't know it, and hid shyly behind her big frizzy Julia Roberts hair. I remember having to go inside to meet her mother before we drove off to a movie. We went to see "When Harry Met Sally." Very fitting, seeing how our paths would cross again later in life.

She was painfully shy and nervous. I thought she might throw up. But I didn't hold that against her; I remember the same feeling, back when I was fifteen and went on a date with an eighteen year Madonna look-a-like and lost my virginity in a church parking lot, but that's another story. We kissed at the end of the date. We talked a little at work afterwards, but I didn't ask her out again. I thought I was probably making her miserably nervous, and two shy people aren't the greatest combination.

Fast forward seventeen years and I get a couple of anonymous comments on this blog, and then a hand-made journal sent anonymously in the mail. Finally I get an email from Anonymous identifying herself. I could have been freaked out by this, a possible stalker coming back from the past to drug me (Pharmacist weapon of choice) and leave me for dead for having never taken her out on a second date. But I arranged to meet up with her at the Open Book coffee shop.

It is odd meeting up with somebody you haven't seen in seventeen years, but since I didn't know her all that well back then, it was more like a blind date. She did try passing me a tablet of some kind during our short meeting, some kind of Tylenol pain killer that might help my neck, she said, but I stuck with my ibuprofen just in case. Even though she may have had plans to leave me floating in the Mississippi river, I did ask her out the following weekend.

We went to a gourmet pizza place, walked by the river, and then went back to my place. Now I felt like the awkward one; I hadn't been on a real date since my divorce. The Pharmacist, though not as shy as she was when she was seventeen, is not one to make the first move. We're on the sofa when I finally just laugh nervously and kiss her. She's really learned how to kiss somewhere in the past years.

Either it was my neck pain or the fact that I was thirty-six and trying to make out on a sofa, but I couldn't get comfortable. I didn't know how to navigate us from the sofa to the bedroom. All it would have taken was something as simple as taking her hand and crossing the room, but it was a gulf. The sofa was a rodeo bull and I couldn't stay on its back. Damn slippery leather. Damn limbs of adult bodies too big and clumsy to be flopping around on a sofa like a couple of teenagers. We laughed. We lay there. We felt the engines shifting down to a slow idle and we both knew the ride was over, for that night, anyway.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Dead Idols

I'm already not doing so good at posting to this every day. It's the mundane factor weighing me down, like I was worried about. Right now I'm making a Billy Idol's greatest hits CD for a woman I'm seeing, the Pharmacist. Yes, the snarling brit decked out like a punk but who was really just a crooner at heart. I wanted to be him in highschool. I showed the The Parmacist my senior picture of of my spiked hair. No snarl though. She said the rest of the weekend she had Billy Idol songs stuck in her head. After Billy I wanted to be Jim Morrison and grew my hair out and wore beaded necklaces. Then it was Harry Connick junior and the hair swept back like a muted pompador. I was always trying to be somebody else, then sometime in college my idols died away. There's nothing more foresaken than a man without his idols. Now it's just the ghosts of french poets and outsider-artist janitors that I like to imagine are watching me, but I don't want to be them.

There is more to tell about The Pharmacist. Later. She's my anonymous poster from a while back, and had sent me the journal in the mail.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

June: A Month of Truthtelling

I'm going to change it up here for a little bit during the month of June. Up to this point I've mainly written stream-of-consciousness pieces, the first drafts of story ideas, just about all of it made up, most of it nonsensicle. Don't get me wrong, what I like best about writing is the chance to step into a world of make believe. The stories I tell usually represent something I feel but don't know how to express directly. But I keep coming across the fact that the writers I admire most write from personal experience, and yet whenever I turn the camera back on myself, I get bored.

This will be interesting, or maybe very mundane. Not that much happens in my life. But one thing I will do is try to post an entry every day. It's all about tenacity, right? I haven't decided yet how to deal with writing about people I know, especially the few that read this blog. I'm leaning towards uncensored honesty, but won't that piss some people off, or hurt feelings? Too bad. It's what you get for knowing a writer, or at least a computer geek with a blog, and you can always post a comment to get me back. I guess the least I could do is fictionalize the names. Who am I kidding, who cares? I think only four people read this thing anyway.

Why for the month of June? So that it can be easily categorized and buried away in the archives after I return to tales of insanity, murder, and upchucked diamond rings.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Bring Into Focus

I slide down the embankment, looking for cover from the eyes that watch, the voices that accuse. I seek shelter in a wayside restroom, cowering there on the tiles and the septic stench, imagining a softer world. By dawn I’m walking again along the shoulder of the interstate, until a nice old lady picks me up. She’s my surrogate grandmother for the day; a soft smiling caricature of kindness with pudgy arms opened wide to pull you into an all consuming hug. She smokes like a grease fire, but that doesn’t bother me. We drive to Reno and there she drops me off with a ziplock bag of her oatmeal cookies. An hour later at the side of the road I cry while I eat the first cookie, then save the rest, one per day, I figure, should grant me a few moments of peace for nine days.

By mid-week I walk into Jefferson and stop at the first phone booth, leaf through the white pages until I find him, buried there innocuously in the hundreds of other names like an undiagnosed cancer. Wayne Sturges. I tear out the page, fold it neatly into my pocket, then walk to the hardware store for supplies. Rope, electrical tape, pliers, utility knife…Any of the tools I think could be useful.

Sturges’ house looks about as run down and uncared for as I’d expected. If the color hadn’t started out as gray, then the peeling paint and the sun and dirt had turned it that way. Rotting shutters, two of them missing like gaps in a derelict’s smile. A gravel yard overgrown with tall weeds and refuse. Rusted chain link fence. The roof sagged, a broken spine. The front steps crumbled and cracked. A desolate home for a desolate man. I opened the gate, climbed up the steps turning to sand and rock and knocked on the door. Torn screen, torn from the inside out, somebody trying to get out?

When he came to the door in his stained robe, I could tell by the expression on his unshaven face that he thought he knew me from somewhere. Guess he couldn’t place me here, a thousand miles away from where he’d first run into me.

“Sturges,” I said. Not a question, but a statement.

“Yeah.”

“I’ve come to finish the job I started six months ago.”

He recognized me now. Those bloodshot eyes opened a little wider.

“She’s just about dead now. Can hardly get anything out of her.”

“Well I come to take care of that.”

He opened the door. That threw me off a little. I’d already examined the door to judge if I’d be able to kick it in. I would have been able. He knew that too, I guess.

The room stank. Pizza boxes, opened tuna fish cans, beer bottles scattered on the floor. The television was propped on overturned milk crates, the picture flickering . Oprah. Fuzzy picture with a coathanger antenna.

I dropped my bag of supplies next to the television, grabbed the pliers and set to work on the antenna. “You know I don’t like to leave a job undone…”

“Sorry man, but I was moving out here and had to get her out of the shop. Didn’t think you could do nothing for her anyway.”

“We’ll see.” I pinched and crimped the antenna, taped on a tinfoil pie plate I’d seen on the floor, trying to work it like a shaman bringing into tune the transmissions of spirits traveling invisibly through the air, getting into the groove of my life’s work: to focus the pictures that come in blurry.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Toy Boat


Toy Boat photo by Richbos.
He met her at the Bugle Coffee Shop on the corner of Sundry and Union Street, at 1:00 o’clock in the afternoon. He showed up fifteen minutes early so as to try to relax before she arrived, but she was already there, sitting in a booth. He grew anxious whenever meeting new people. Even more-so complete strangers that came out of nowhere with a phone message left in the middle of the night: “I have something of yours, something you lost a long time ago. If you’ll meet with me, I’ll return it.”

She had blonde hair, with about an inch of her bangs died black. They cut a sharp, even line across her forehead. She wore heavy eyeliner around green eyes. Her nose was pierced with a silver stud. She wore white fishnets, tall black clunky boots with silver buckles up the calves, a plaid skirt held together with oversized safety pins, and yet her rebellious clothes were betrayed by the crows-feet around her eyes that placed her somewhere in her mid-thirties. On the seat beside her rested a canvas sack with a drawstring.

He slid into the booth across from her. She sipped her coffee and peered at him from over the cup’s rim. He ordered a cup of tea from the waitress, and as she was walking away, the woman across from him asked for a bowl of barley soup.

They silently observed each other until the waitress returned with tea and soup. “There’s a story I want to tell you,” she said. He sipped his tea. “A young single-mother buys her little boy a toy boat. He plays with it in the bathtub until he grows tired of the small surface of water, the porcelain walls rising up on all sides. He asks his mother if he can float it out on the pond at the park. She says no, afraid that it might float beyond reach, and stretching to retrieve it, he would fall in and drown. He couldn’t swim. One morning when his mother had fallen asleep on the sofa while reading a book, he floods the bathroom. The boat sails from one side of the tiled floor to the other, but it bumps into the walls and the base of the sink. His mother finds him splashing in the shallows. She spanks him with a wooden spoon and sets the boat on the top bookshelf in the library, where he can only look up and see the top of the sails peeking out.

“After two weeks she gets down the sailboat. He brings it into the bath, laughing, playing the voices of pirates scrambling around on the deck. His mother sits on the toilet, legs crossed, elbow propped on knee, chin resting on the heel of her hand. She doesn’t know that he is faking this enjoyment to disarm her. He hatches a plan.

“On his way out the door one morning on the way to school, he slips the boat beneath his rain slicker. It has been raining for three and a half days. The gutters are swollen with run-off, parking lots become vast lakes of standing water. He walks to his bus stop, but as his schoolmates climb the steps into the bus, he ducks down into Mr. Olsen’s shrubs. After the bus pulls away, he climbs out of the shrubs and heads off down the sidewalk.

“Rushing rivers of water run alongside the curbs, swirling eddies of rainwater gather on the corners for intersections, whirlpools descend through sewer gratings. He sets the boat into the current. It starts off down the street, one block, two. He runs alongside it. When it gets hung up on debris, he steps into the rushing currents to lift it free. Further and further he follows his boat until he finds himself miles from home, outside of his town, somewhere off the interstate.”

He sets down his tea cup. He looks outside to the cold spring rain puddling in the street, half expecting to see a toy boat in the gutter.

“No, it’s not out there. Do you know where the boat went?”

“It kept going," he said, "for miles and miles. Every time it hung up on a branch or a piece of garbage, I freed it. It reached the Mississippi...”

“…and he ran alongside the shoreline, stumbling over driftwood, sliding down ditches, at times even falling into the banks of the river to watch his toy boat take on the greatest river in North America.”

“It stayed afloat, but I couldn’t keep up.”

“It’s lucky you scratched your name into its hull. I would never have found you.”

“Where did you find it?”

“Louisiana. My father was a croc-hunter. He found it the belly of a fifteen foot crocodile while gutting it.” She pulled out from the sack beside her the toy boat, setting it in the bowl of soup. It wasn’t deep enough to float, of course. It just sat there, lilting to starboard. He thought it might be the saddest thing he had seen in twenty years. The sails were frayed and yellowed with age. The carving of his name in the hull was warn smooth by the repeated stroke of a little girl’s fingers feeling out the name, like brail.

She laid some bills and change on the table, exactly her amount of the bill, and rose to her feet to leave. “How did you ever find your way back home?” she asked.

“I never did.”

She left. He watched her through the café window as she got into a rusted pick-up, swung around the parking lot to the exit, signaled right, then was whisked away into traffic and was gone.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Wolf in the Library

Strange nightmare, clinging to him in the late morning hours. He sips his coffee, stares through the newspaper into the dream. A gothic library afloat in a creeping gloam, with guttural growls coming from the rare books section held in the center of book stacks like the core of a rotten apple. Growls pursue him through winding labyrinth of books. He sprints to a spiraling stair, quickly ascends with the predatory breathing close behind him. When he reaches the top of the tower he finds, standing in an open window, his fiancé balanced on the precipice, white nightgown stark and billowing against a stormy sky. He reaches out to her as lunges across the tower room, but too late. With one frightened glance over her shoulder, she steps off the edge and drops into the weightless night.

He holds the stone wall and hangs out the window, looking down to the troubled waters of the mote. Ripples swallowed her whole, like the water creature purported to lurk in the moat waters. She was never found. Lept from a library window into eternity, and why? This question would plague him in the morning hours after sunshine had replaced the dream and his finance was back at his side, obliviously leafing through the Sunday ads. He wondered about the sound that had come from his throat when he tried to shout out to her. Low gutteral growl. The thick black pelt covering his arm reaching out to snatch her from the window. The claws that had only grasped the space from which she had escaped him into death.

He returned to his newspaper. Just a dream. His uncle wouldn’t think so. Uncle Theo, the eccentric of the family, famed parascientist who had written two treatise on dream encounters and their very real impact on a person’s psychic fabric. Maybe he would go out to Hedonshire this afternoon to consult with his uncle, look up the dream symbols in his library of the occult.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Strange Fruit

I was watching the Bob Dylan documentary “No Direction Home” and saw a clip from Billie Holiday singing Strange Fruit. I had never heard this before. Reading the lyrics is powerful enough, but with Billie Holiday singing them, seeing her . . . it was one of those moments of terrible lucidity.

Strange Fruit

Southern trees bear strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root.
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter cry.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Good Boy, Scurvy


(tongue)
photo by C Buckley.
Last week my dog threw up a diamond ring. It was an engagement ring, three round cut stones set in white gold, entangled with a weave of grass and bile from my dog’s stomach. Scurvy likes to eat grass in the spring, then pukes it up on the living room carpet or on the kitchen floor

I put on dish gloves, picked the ring out of the vomit, cleaned it as best I could over the garbage can and then rinsed it off in the sink. Scurvy sat by the sink the whole time, wagging his tale, thumping against the cupboards. Yes Scurvy, good boy.

I asked the neighbor lady if she had lost a ring recently. Nope, she said, where did you find it? Well….

I keep the ring in my pocket in case I come across somebody I suspect it belongs to. Like a worry stone, I find myself running my fingers over its edges from deep inside my pockets. It started to fray the front of all my slacks. Whenever I was at a store and needed to fish out change, it would come out in the handful of coins, and I’d get a strange look from the cashier. I’d stick it back in my pocket, smile off-handedly, and take my bag and leave.

I take it out and looked at it absently while I watch television. I am not sure if it is a real diamond or what it is worth, but that doesn’t matter. Scurvy threw up against three days afterward, and I found myself picking through it to see what he’d brought me this time. Just more grass, pebbles, an undigested piece of rawhide. He wagged his tale just as enthusiastically as I cleaned up the mess. I guess the difference in value between a chewed rawhide bone and a diamond ring meant nothing to him.

I drew up a Ring Found poster and made a dozen copies at a nearby Kinko’s, then tacked them up to utility poles within a three block radius. I figure that’s about as far as scurvy gets when he runs away. Within three days I got seven calls. None of the callers could correctly describe the ring. With each made-up story I grew less and less fond of my neighbors. One woman said she had been in an argument with her boyfriend and he had torn it off her finger and thrown it away, and she’d needed stitches. Another said she had lost it while helping an elderly lady from a taxi to the front of her house. A young man said that he’d bought it to propose to his sweetheart but had thrown it from the car window after she’d turned him down. I almost wanted to give it to him, but then I would never get the ring to who it really belonged to.

A woman showed up at my front door this morning, her arms crossed over her chest as though she was cold, but it was quite warm out. She wore sweatpants and a baseball cap with wisps of hair peeking out. It looked like she was balding underneath the cap. Her eyes were sunken and her skin grey. She smiled wanly at me and said she’d heard from her neighbor that I’d found a diamond ring. She told me hers had kept slipping off of her finger lately. She looked apologetically at me, shrugged her shoulders that poked through her sweatshirt. She said she could describe it for me, and started to, but I told her no. No need to go into details. I handed her the ring, and she closed her fingers over it. She said maybe she should wear it on a necklace for now on, at least until…but she didn’t finish. Scurvy was beside the door, thumping his tail against the floor and panting. She leaned down and petted him. What’s his name, she asked? Scout, I said. Good boy, Scout.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Mutiny of Limbs

Most people are blessed with two feet that get along. The left foot and the right foot are soul mates, perfectly in good will and cooperation with one another. But Henry somehow ended up with two feet that just didn’t get along with one another. They would constantly bicker and fight, and this caused havoc for poor Henry. He’d be walking to work in the morning, and the left foot, being much more responsible and dependable than the right foot, would be walking straight down the sidewalk towards the office, but the right foot, being much more carefree and spontaneous, decided it would rather go for a swim at the lake and started heading off in other direction. Henry nearly fell to the ground, and people gawked at the man with one leg going down the sidewalk and the other trying to hail a cab. It was only in the most crooked and faltering path that he was eventually able to eek out enough compliance from his two feet to get himself to work.

His hands felt terrible, having to witness the communication breakdown between the right and left foot. They’ve been through tough times themselves, but have worked it out. Multi-limbed coordinated dexterity took a lot of hard work, nobody said it would be easy. Each of the hands sympathizes with a different foot however, which leads to their own disagreements. Spats flare up, like when Henry had to pick his nose, and the left hand said “It’s your turn,” but the right hand says “I had to do it last time!” Henry is nearly exhausted by the end of the day, just keeping all of his extremities under control.

His toes felt helpless and caught in the middle of all this. The little toe thought it was to blame in some way for the feet not getting along, even though the big toe stressed that they had nothing to do with it, and kept saying that everything would be all right. But it wasn’t.

Henry woke up one morning and discovered that his right foot had up and left sometime during the night. He slid out of bed, puts on his left shoe and stares sadly at the right, leaving it cast aside on the floor. He hops around town, searching for his right foot. Finally, in a crowd on the subway platform they spot the right foot attached to the ankle of an older man. They hop madly after it, but too late: they have gotten onto a subway car and disappear into the city.

He resorts to placing an ad in the paper “Man with one left foot, seeks single white foot, approximately 8 ½ inches, preferably mild tempered, enjoys quiet evenings at home, etc…” He gets a wide variety of responses. A right foot shows up one day that used to belong to a baseball player, but that foot is too itchy. Another foot won’t stop fidgeting and spends all day tapping under the desk. Another responds to the ad is from a woman’s foot, with bright red painted nails. Henry becomes too self-conscious when he has to go barefoot. A college football hero’s foot would spontaneously decide to punt houseplants or the telephone across the room. An old man’s foot kept falling asleep. One day another left foot mistakenly shows up, but Henry is so desperate at this point that he decides to give two left feet a try. This opens him up to too many jokes about being a bad dancer.

Finally, he’s home on a weekend moping around the house with his one left foot and his two hands, which still claim they are above all of this nonsense and had seen these problems coming for years, when there’s a tap at the door. There stands his right foot, in an old athletic sock with a big hole in the heel, looking beat up and forlorn, with a stubbed toe and too long of toe nails. They begrudgingly come together again. The toes are ecstatic to see one another, and even the hands fold together complacently, saying they knew the feet would work it out eventually. Henry is so happy, he goes to put on his old shoes and pauses and thinks, this is cause for a celebration. He goes out and buys new shoes, brand new comfortable shoes with plenty of room in the toe, and a nice arch, with a light material that can breathe, and the moment his feet slip inside them he feels a completely contented feeling. His feet are home now, and in these new shoes they dance around the apartment and down the sidewalks, and he wonders how he had been so stupid as to underestimate the importance of good shoes.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Contents Under Pressure


Campbell's Soup
Originally uploaded by emanelcaffè.
I was very nearly maimed tonight by a can of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup. Part of me knew what kind of danger I was in when I saw the can bulging both at the top and the bottom. It easily spun in place on the counter top. This entertained me like the naïve child that I am; then I reached for the pull-tab on the easy-open lid.

I might as well have been pulling the pin on a grenade. The explosion was instantaneous. My ears rung. The spray of cream blinded me. I found myself turning in circles beside the refrigerator in shock, the tab still looped around my index finger, which stung sharply and which I stared at for several moments waiting for the red to flow.

The percussion had barely died down and I was already cursing myself for how careless I had been. How many times had my mom warned me about—wait a minute: …wearing clean underwear…strange men in vans…running around the house with a Que-tip sticking out of my ear…Nope, not once did she warn me about a can of soup exploding in my face.

For the rest of my life I will cringe when opening soup. I better sign off now; I still have to wipe down the ceiling.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Budapest Nights

We were crazy during those drunken Hungarian nights, dancing in the garden, spilling wine on the hydrangeas and lilac and paprika. The entire village sat up in bed and listened to the wailing of us two boys at the moon, our chanting and singing, until the village peacekeepers made their way out the ravaged garden. A fight ensued. I'm not sure how I landed here. Mom, please get me out of this foreign jail. Through the barred window in the twilight of morning, I watch the gypsy girls scurry from the dockyards to the mule-drawn carts where their fathers wait for them, palms turned upwards, waiting for money. I watch the rats crawl from piers and back into the warehouses. I've scratched my name into the stone to ascertain my existence here, that it was not just a drunken morning hangover dream and please come get me.

What a wicked night I'd spent in a shaman’s delirium, on the edge of the Danube on a bridge that ended halfway across the water. I watch ghosts stagger out of the burning oasis of Budapest. The screams of specters still fill my nights, when I cower in bed in a cold sweat and strangling sheets, recoiling from the whirl of shadows on the wall. I had been deserted by my friend; the last I had seen him, he was lurking in the corner of a café, his gaunt face half hidden behind a fichus tree; then floating in the canal, bloated and smiling. The last I'd seen of Artaud, before he could whisper his instructions to me, was riding on the handlebars of a young girl as she pedaled oblivious down Vaci Street. By reading his purple lips I could catch his voice in my mind and the encrypted meaning of his words. They went something like this . . .

Monday, May 01, 2006

Hide in the Library

I rode my bike into town. Everyone stared at me. Did they remember me? What were they saying? I wondered. But it didn’t matter. I dropped the key off at the garage so my brother would be able to get into the house after work, and then I slunk away. I left for the cool confines of the library. The reference section had long oak tables and lamps with green glass shades. I brought a notebook and a pen and started to write. The blue ink ran along each lined row until a page was filled. Each time I turned a page and the paper crinkled, the old man two tables down would peer at me over the rim of his glasses, without altering the angle of his head. Then he would go back to reading. By the end of the day he would be one of the characters in my story.

The high stone ceiling in the reference library opened up a space inside me. This was the only place that would open up my memories of my mother. The more I wrote about her on my lined notebook paper, the more her shape and form would fill in, until soon I even had down the color of her hair and the tone of her voice when she told me I had to get something done, and that she didn’t want to tell me again. But you will tell me again, mom, over and over in this reference library long after you left. Your boy is nearly grown. Perhaps by the end of this notebook I will have filled out, grown to the full height of a man, and whiskers will have sprouted downy soft on my chin. Shit. Fuck. Damn. I can say that now. You’re not here to straighten me out. No matter how much I write you back into existence, you can’t stop me from doing what I want.

I push my chair back and rise up from the table. The man peers at me over his glasses again. I flip him off. I turn and stride down the long foyer, find the back stairs, and quickly spiral down the stairwell into the lower levels of the library. Staff only allowed. I am not staff, but I need the comfort of these buried rooms. I’m tired. I want to sleep. I want to feel the weight of a ton of marble and cement above me.

A barrel-stomached man works the files in the basement. Long wisps of red hair are combed over his baldness. He sees me enter the records room, whistles to himself and stuffs a few files into a drawer, then slams it shut.

“Gonna hide out here this afternoon?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe? Now I never did like a man of indecision. A man knows what he’s going to do and then strikes a path to get it done.”

“I just want to be left alone.”

“Then left alone you shall be. Family, friends, coworkers…nobody finds you down here. Believe me. I come down fifteen years ago, and everyone thinks I’m dead. Maybe I am.”

Why was he always being so melodramatic? And what the hell was there to file all day, anyway? I’d named him Dewey. I left him to his filing while I rested my forehead against a cool steel cabinet, imagined my skull emptying out like the great open space of the library foyer.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Neither Here Nor There


spinning
photo by sheeshoo.
I’m here, in the middle of nowhere, a place missing from the maps and unplaceable in memory. Can I get out of a place that is no place? Where would I go? I can’t go north or south, because neither exists, and east and west keep switching places with each other. Instead I’ll sit here, which is also there, and try to find a way to break this cycle of ever changing meridians. The latitudes and longitudes squiggle and loop and make right angles when they are supposed to be clean and straight. Maybe if I spin in place I will grow so dizzy that everything will come into focus.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Mysterious Gift



I got home and noticed a key stuck in my mail slot, meaning I had a package. I was thinking it was likely a DVD, as I've ordered a number of them lately, but as the desk guy Roger handed me the package, I could tell it was a book of some sort, wrapped in a brown paper bag, with no return address. I remembered my mom said she bought me a signed copy of "The Kite Runner" and that she'd send it soon, but it didn't look like her handwriting.
I tore into it and discoverd a hand made journal, with a cloth bound cover of midnight blue with silver stars. Inside was a little card that said "A journal for you...", but no signature.
How cool! I have no idea who you are, but I'm assuming you read this blog, so thank you, whoever you are...

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Blue Beauty

I have found her, in the spirit of these tea leaves. She will keep me company tonight. I will light candles in the den, and brew this secret potion from god knows what tea garden; an oolong, the blue beauty.

She drifts into the room on a tide of music. She shimmers. Is this what candle flames would look like through tears? I don’t know, I haven’t cried in years. With her comes the silver notes of bells, the faint perfume of angels, the ever presence and comfort like a mother’s hand to a child. I cower behind my keyboard, furtive fingers typing words like a pentacle in which to bind her so that she cannot escape. I want to hold here here in my den, to keep me company through these luminescent nights. She brings all of the book titles on the shelves to a warm glow, yearning to be plucked from their perches and their covers plied asunder to expose what is inside. She makes the music play along all of my nerves like deft fingers. I hesitate to drink any more from the blue beauty for fear of reaching the bottom of the cup, but if I stop drinking, she grows cold. And yet with each sip she grows lukewarm, cold, colder still. So cold in here, now that she’s gone.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Antique Shop of Wonders



photo by Frinkiac.
Our town had this magical antique shop on a dead end street, down past two boarded up stores that used to be a bank and a used clothing store. A towering sign perched on the roof of the building read “Quiggly’s Antique Emporium”, spelled out in sequins pinned to the signboard so that they rippled and flashed in a breeze like the surface of water. Out front it had a twirling barbershop sign, an old church pew with so many names and profanities carved into it that it looked like a piece of bark. A sign shaped like an arm with a finger pointing towards the door said “Come Inside”.

A string of bells jingled when you came through the door. Just inside stood a tall wooden Indian, fingers curled as though clutching a fistful of cigars that had been smoked long ago, but when you walked past him you smelled tobacco.

You are always alone in Quiggly’s Antique Emporium. The owner, Quiggly, would only appear if you pounded on the bell at the counter; he was always tinkering away behind a display or buried out back restoring old furniture. He peered blindly through thick scratched glasses, a reek of turpentine and lacquer following him. Even the other customers were gone, no matter how many you had seen enter the store before you. It was as though each had disappeared into their own chosen era.

An old phonograph played scratchy music, voices crooning from decades ago yet lingering in the next room. Mixed in with the music were barely audible sounds of silverware on fine china, highball glasses tinkling with ice cubes, the undistinguishable din of laughter at a dinner party. In other booths you thought you heard the banter of baseball players, “batter batter batter swinga,” and the smack of a baseball into the worn leather pocket of an old glove. The vintage beaded dresses still looked as vibrant as though a flapper had just slipped out of it. Circus clown wigs and juggling pins, farm animal harnesses and bridles, Singer sewing machines and spinning looms, army knives and soldiers helmets.

The store held items from every family in town, and you weren’t truly considered a citizen until you had a part of your past holed up inside. Even though we were all afraid of Quiggly’s, we were drawn there nonetheless. We were searching for something we’d lost, something we wanted to understand, and each of us found our answers, in our own way. We felt at home among the items of the homes we’d lost.

Everyone finds something different. For some, bitterness and pain. For others, the pleading for forgiveness from their grandmother’s whicker wheelchair. For me it was always a reunion; from the ivory soap dishes came the smell of grandmother’s hands washed with Dove soap, the porcelain salt and pepper shakers shaped like hobos, the little black music box which played “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”. Uncle Bruce’s fishing gear leaned in the corner with my favorite lures that drew the lunkers out of the deep.

You had overstayed your welcome when the air grew chill and the glowing lights faded. It’s time to go, they seemed to say. Unseen hands ushered you towards the door and outside, where you are blinded by the sun, where it seems hardly any time has passed at all.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Invisible Photographer

I’ve taken the day off because of a cold. Like the groundhog coming out of his hole, I sensed spring was here and emerged from the skyways to walk home outside. Now I have a sore throat. I’m sitting in the window at Dunn Bros Coffee, a 20oz mug of green tea warm in my hands. I brought “Tender is the Night” with me, but the book sits unread. Instead I watch in a daze out the window at the masses of people walking past, gliding by on roller blades and skateboards, or sitting at sidewalk tables. Maybe it’s the cold, but I feel this sense of peace and of seeing things differently, more precisely, less for-granted.

Several bike couriers sit around a sidewalk table, reclined low in their chairs. What a unique fashion style bike couriers have; all tall and thin, wearing baggy dirty jeans rolled up high, exposing little sticks of ankles, dark socks, and shoes with hardly a sole. Their hair is wild, swept off their foreheads, frozen in place from the wind on their bikes. Several wear those tiny bicycle caps with the visor dipped low over their eyes while riding, turned backwards and visor tipped up while they recline.

Two young women take a table just outside my window. You can always tell who are inseperable friends because they begin to look like each other. Same cute, short haircuts with little ribbons tied to locks of hair near the nape of the neck. One of them wears a charcoal gray skirt, a brown top, and these hideous orange suede boots with long pointy toes and floppy tops that gather around her ankles. Everyone stares. But she wears them proudly, a kind of fuck-you to all us clones. Her friend wears these giant bug-like sunglasses like a movie star. I wonder how big sunglasses will get before they begin to shrink again. The two women often look towards my window to inspect their own reflections.

There’s the older man with his wife, probably in his fifties; tall, in good shape. His face looks like an old baseball, his dominant feature a giant cleft chin, the crease in the middle so pronounced that it looks like butt cheeks, but it gives him a noble air.

The guy sitting next to me, tapping away on his laptop, pauses and watches me out of the corner of his eye. He notices I just stare out the window. I don’t care. I consider pointing out to him the bicycle couriers, the man with the cleft shin. They both look so regale out there, they would make excellent photographs. If I had the guts I would tell him, “I wish I could take their pictures without them knowing it, an invisible photographer, because as soon as they know their picture is being taken, they become self-conscious and the image is ruined.”

“But the camera isn’t your artitistic tool,” he would respond. “You’re a writer. You capture them with words, and in that sense, you are an invisible photographer.”

I think he’s right, but I I don’t have my journal with me. I see a Garfield pencil someone left on the counter after doing the crossword puzzle. On the back flap of “Tender is the Night”, I write:

-- Cleft Chin
-- Big Sunglasses
-- Invisible Photographer
-- Two Friends

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Mexican Girl of the Sea

A young girl splashes out of the sea, shiny brown and tiny. Up onto the stones she strides with her sandals held in one hand, dress in the other. She smiles little white pearls at me. From the rocks her father throws a fishing line out into the receding water, yells something back to her. She obediently hurries down the beach.

The father catches a fish, a large Dorado that breaks free before he lands it. I jump into the water to help him drag it to shore. He can’t speak English and I can’t speak Spanish but we manage to communicate that he is inviting me to his home, where he guts and then cooks the fish on an open fire in his courtyard of dust and rusted appliances. The little girl smiles at me, brings each of her toys to me one by one. The whole family sits around me, his wife, a grandmother, a cousin, and a son. We speak in gestures; only the fourteen year old boy knows English but he rarely offers a translation. The fish flakes white on the fork, cooked with butter, lime, Cayenne pepper, with some salsa on the side; chopped tomatoes and onions and papaya and avocado. After dinner I follow the son to a corner liquor store, where I bring back Dos Equis and we drink around the coals of the fire that cooked the Dorado. Before sunset I say my thank you’s and catch a cab back to the hotel.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Lie #3: The Last Lie


On my last day in Puerto Vallarta, I made up my last tall-tale as to why I was in Mexico. It was to an older couple traveling in their retirement years. I was eating breakfast at the table next to them. “I sell prosthetic limbs for pets. We figured Peurto Vallarta might be a good region due to the wealthy tourists. Mostly just legs for cats and dogs that have lost a limb from surgery or getting hit by a car. Once we created a tail for a cat that had lost hers in a car door. Yeah, it’s amazing what people will spend on their pets, but they’ve become like a member of the family. Have we ever sold one to anything other than a cat or dog? Let me think…oh yeah, in Boston there was a parrot owner that had a seafood restaurant. Kept the parrott right there in the restaurant. It lost a leg when it had been attacked by a cat, and he wanted us to attach a wooden peg leg, like a pirate. We refused, though. Too unethical. We’re not here to create carnival attractions. We’re just trying to make pets feel whole again.”

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Lie #2: Identity Chip

Lie #2, invented as an answer for other vacationers in Puerto Vallarta curious about why I’m traveling alone: “Actually, I’m working for Lu___t Technology in a think tank about twenty miles between here and Guadalajara. I’m in the R&D department, and we’re working on a cutting edge new technology, but it’s highly classified, I shouldn’t be talking about it.”

They buy me my first drink.

“Well actually the classified part is more on how the technology works and the materials we use, rather than the concept. We’re working on an Identity Chip, which is a tiny chip placed under the skin on your wrist. This is prototype 4A…” I show them a tiny gray rectangle viewable just beneath the skin on my wrist, actually the lead tip from a #2 pencil stuck in me since the 5th grade. “It can store your driver’s license, your credit cards. So when you’re in a store, you just scan your wrist and your items are paid for. No signatures, no losing your card…Yeah, you’re absolutely right. The fear of having your personal information stolen or forged is our biggest hurdle with this product. That’s really where the majority of research is being done right now: how to secure your information, and control who gets what information. But that’s also the details I can’t talk about.”

They buy me my second drink.

“The chip interacts with your body’s unique chemical make-up, so if it detects a foreign chemical makeup, the chip is disabled. And it’s that biological link that interests me. We’re working on having it tell you when you have a fever, when your body is fighting a virus, possibly even test your cholesterol. It will store your complete medical and dental record. Another concept that’s generating a lot of interest is similar to Bluetooth. You can set up your own profile in your identity chip, with your interests, where you’re from, if you’re single and looking, even your picture, so when you walk into a bar with a receiver, it will tell you who else is in the bar, ‘Oh look, someone else here is from Minnesota, or there’s a Packer fan, let’s buy him some Cheese curds, or there’s a single woman who’s favorite movie is “The Cable Guy” just like me. When do we think this product is going to hit the market? I can’t talk about that.’

They buy me my third and last drink.

“We’re in a race with our sister think tanks in Paris and Sunnyvale California, all working on different aspects of the Identity Chip. The codename for our think tank is ‘Tortilla Chips’. The one in Paris is ‘French Fry’ (they don’t have chips there), and the one in California is ‘Highway Patrol’. I know, it kind of evolved into that. It started out as CHiPs, like the TV show with the motorcycles. Then we just called them ‘Motorcycle Boys’ because all the guys rode motorcycles to work to be like Pancho. Then a woman joined their team, so it was ‘Motorcycle Boys and a Girl’. Then another woman joined and it just became ‘Highway Patrol’.

“Well I better head on out. It’s been fun. Please don’t share this information with anyone.” They take one more look at the piece of lead in my wrist. “Yeah, technology just keeps getting smaller and smaller. Thanks for the drinks. Please please keep this information to yourselves, and Buenos Noches.”

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Lie #1: Wife Kidnaps Iguana



First night in the hotel restaurant in Puerto Vallarta, I take a table by myself. As eyes stray over to my table, I begin to invent my persona. Or maybe, at this point it is more of an erasure of who I have been and who I invent myself to be. I’m now prepared for the next time someone asks me, “So what brings you down to Mexico all by yourself?” Sure enough, within minutes I have my first bite.

“I’m here looking for my wife. She emptied out our bank accounts and ran off with her yoga instructure. He’s originally from Puerto Vallarta. A credit card transaction showed they’d been down here.”

“That’s terrible,” the woman from Arizona says, her face a mask of concern and sympathy. “How are you ever going to find her?”

“I’m not sure, I’ve left flyers at several clubs and yoga studios. My biggest concern is for Lui.”

A sharp intake of breath from the woman, “Your son?”

“No, my pet iguana. I’ve had him for fifteen years.” Choking up, “I mean, she can have the money, that doesn’t matter…but what can she want with my iguana?”

Her husband offers tentatively, “Well, Puerto Vallarta is a natural habitat for iguanas.” I heard a bump under the table and he pursed his lips.

The woman behind the lobby counter was waving towards me. I rose from my chair and lay the napkin on my seat. “Exuse me, just a moment.”

I crossed to the lobby desk where the hotel employee greeted me. “Ola, Senior Wood. Your housekeeper has changed your bed linen. I am so sorry it smelled of smoke. It is a nonsmoking room.”

“Thank you so much.” Feeling the Arizona couple watching me, I reach across the counter and shook her hand vigorously. “Thank you! Gracias! Gracias! Please have a crème brule sent to my room.”

I strode back to my table, the Arizona couple’s expectant faces turned to me. While scrawling my room number on my bill, I said, “They’ve spotted her. They spotted her down at the Happy Frog! I’ve got to go…” As I marched off I heard from behind me the plaintive voice of the woman from Arizona, “Good Luck!”

I walked quickly through the lobby, down the steps to the taxi turnaround, said “Buenos Noches” to the doormen, then slowed my pace as I rounded to the side stairwell, climbed to my fourth floor room, and watched a Mexican soccer match on the television while I used a spoon to tap through the melted sugar crust of my crème brule.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

A Writer's Struggle

Let’s assume now, for a moment, that I will be able to focus my energies enough this evening to sit down and write. I have blocked off the evening, eaten dinner, avoided any stimulants of alcohol or medication so as to clear my head. The laptop now sits upon my desk, rather than on the Ouija board on the ottoman by the leather chair. This is serious.

[5 minutes later] Presently, I am cooking a butternut squash, on the recommendation from John Felling. The shepherd’s pie was not filling enough. After I eat that, and brew my tea, and tidy the apartment for it is simply an external reflection of my state of mind, I will begin to write in Stuttersville. Don’t be intimidated that Edgar is approaching the house of his uncle, and that you do not yet know how to handle the potential secrets to be uncovered there. It will all flow naturally once you fill Edgar’s shoes and begin to roam the house. You’ve seen it now, that Germanic village house atop the hill, circled by pines. Not a mansion by any means, but the home of a wealthy bachelor, with a sense of taste, not lavishness.

What time of year is it in Stuttersville, right now? Are there gardens out back, or the skeletal trees and trimmed back flowerbeds, the covered rosebushes. Yes, it must be fall. Pre-halloween? Oh shit, I don’t know.

[15 minutes later] I still believe that writing may be possible this evening, especially if I toss aside any pretensions of publishing it some day. This way I lessen the pressure of getting it right. Don’t forget that Stuttersville is intended to be a sandbox, a place in which I can retreat, and think and feel and narrate anything, even my own trouble as the writer trying to wrench it free from obstacles. Ready…set…go!

He spent nearly a decade chasing down the facts of his uncle’s death. What became of the doctor that had signed his death certificate? Why had the authorities shot down family requests for an autopsy?
For more years than family historians could trace, there had been deep rifts within the family. Not as simple as a sudden branching out of the family over the disagreement of two brothers. It seemed to be a genetic flaw that cast the members of this family against itself for generations. It thrived on conflict. Each member contained within themselves a voilent urge to scratch out the eyes of their brother. Others grew inseparable, every secret shared, lives entwined, homes no more than blocks apart, or children living with their parents well into their forties.
[10 minutes later] Okay writer, you’re struggling…the light is starting to fade….run ahead to catch up with it!

With the increasing years of decrepitude, one boy rose up out of the poverty in which his family had fated him. His boyish exuberance had caught the attention of labor owners, of warehouse stockmen, of dockworker supervisors. He didn’t have any brains, they knew, but he would give 100% of himself to slave away at a task, and all he looked for in return was a little beer money.

[10 minutes later] Crap, it’s all falling apart now. You see it, don’t you? The narrator has grown sleepy and his rationality has taken to drink. A glass of port sits beside me, a treat for having sat at my desk in the den throughout the evening, in the similitude of writing, even if the words were wasted on the wrong story.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Boot up, Tune in, Log Off


Whew, I finally dragged myself off the internet, and it feels like I can breathe again. Why do I get so obsessed with things, like browsing the internet, reading movie scripts, browsing Flickr photos, reading blogs of friends, rereading my blogs? Can I say blog one more time?

I come to my big leather chair by the window and my laptop resting on the Ouija board with the idea that I’m going to write. But I look out the window and stare over the dead gray city and realize I don’t want to write at all. I have nothing to say this morning. I can’t imagine pulling two characters together and figuring out what they have to say to one another. But I will not give up. I’ll just keep typing here, right? Isn’t that the important part of the word “Stream-of-Consciousness Journal?”

When I move about the apartment in the evenings, I am filled with ideas. Wonderful turns of phrases, situations of intriguing conflict, a desire to slip into an imagined world for a little while, but I’ve got to put the dishes away. I’ve got to sort the real mail from the junkmail. I’ve got to brush my teeth and go to bed.

I remember some of the ideas now, but they lay limp in my hands like dead fish I’ve held out of the water for too long. It’s like that Tenacious D song “Tribute”: “This is not the greatest song in the world. It’s just a tribute…to the greatest song in the world”. Things like a comic entry about how I keep piling the recyclables on top of each other in the grocery bag in the closet. It becomes like a reverse version of Jenga, and I come up with strategies of how to nest cans within one another, then a bottle, then an upside down can clinging to the bottle neck. Anything to avoid having to take the recyclables down to the bins in the parking garage. Like I said, this is just a tribute.

Or the entry about how I’ve got a crush on the surly Latino woman at the Turtle Bread store. I love her smoldering eyes, not an ounce of fake cheer or sense of customer service. She’s young, short, plump like a loaf of bread just beginning to rise (I’m sure she’d love that simile... and you wonder why I’m single!) When I get a flicker of a smile from her it is appreciated so much more, a small crack in her shell. But then it’s gone again, and I realize I don’t want her to smile at me, because I love her for this crossness and “piss and vinegar”. My god, is that a real phrase?

I wanted to start a blog titled “Squidup!”, or use that as a chat name. It’s from the Cable Guy movie when the Cable Guy is doing his Dizzy Gillespie impression.

I wanted to write about my tour of the condos and lofts, and why do I always get a crush on the sales women showing me a place? I feel this odd flirtatiousness or connection with her as we walk quietly through the empty rooms. I’m sure I’m imagining it, but I feel like they too are aware of this sexual tension between us.

Ah, see; I’m tempted to log onto the internet again. Restlessness draws me there. I thought for a moment that I would like to work more on my personal home page rather than my blog. It’s like wanting to work on your home, build it out, make it more presentable. Your own little space on the web, gardening for people without a plot of land, but I would probably be a better person if I disabled my modem. Somewhere Timothy Leary is chanting “Boot up, Tune in, Log Off.”